daylight saving time

today's the second day the clock's turned back by an hour. and it seemed so bright at 0715 in the morn! was glad that i could 'gain' an extra hour of sleep on the first day daylight saving time took effect. not bad! :D

anyway, been detached from this blog for quite a bit. went to do some stuff that i have been dying to do before i graduate:

1. attend amy tan's book signing. yes, she's at purdue. yes, shame on me for not reading any of her books before. (well, i did watch her joy luck club movie) yes, i have bought her book. and yes, another shame on me for not touching it despite having it for almost 2 weeks.

2. trip to cedar point. this is the best amusement park i've ever visited! the rides are all equally good! you name any scariest rollercoaster rides, they have it. go before winter starts. they only open during weekends during this period, but less people come. but, do bring your hoody and never wear slippers! (don't be like me. barefeet while being swung about in the air)

3. pumpkin carving! kaka! trick is to ensure that you remove all the pumpkin fillings coz they make carving difficult. here's my prized possession:

4. cooked some interesting indonesian delicacies. we've tried croquettes, risoles, bola-bola, pastel, cold roll. frankly speaking, i am done with deep frying. kitchen's become so sticky. and found sesame bagel with garlic cream cheese to be utterly heaven!

5. got to know my small group girls better. hmmm...interesting to see how each individual differs from another. ii is sometimes afraid of not saying things right. qing knows the clear line between right and wrong, but sometimes she can be slightly aggressive. nini chooses her principles by trials and errors and how i always yearn to be (sorta) the center of attention. we have a long way to learn about one another, but am glad that there's no superficiality.

other than that, there are some good news too:

1. granpa's become great granpa. greato! i do hope his spirit of life will be improving coz he's been negative thinking for the past 3 years.

2. guyfriend's starting to open up. i know i can be harsh at times whenever somebody needs comfort. i need to be able to offer advice, yet make the person feel better, instead of even worse.

3. mom's finally gone to zhong guo, the first overseas trip since 2004! she did need some relaxation. i would have gone nuts if i were at home the whole lot of time, just concentrating on work and kids. hah! am looking forward to having my 4 kids.

4. was being really positive towards uncle and family when they were here at purdue. despite their curious nature, (which normally irritates me easily) i was able to carry myself well. great job, mel!

happy halloween, everybody!

sis' birthday!

happy 15th birthday, sis! love you always. you're one of a kind, and boy...i am so grateful to have you. you show me how to be patient, you appreciate my opinions and take them into considerations, and you're fun! hope nasi tumpeng is coming on your way :P (though i won't be able to savour it with ya)

on a side note, remember how parents keep on telling you to concentrate on studies first and not really have a boyfriend during your high school year? (which eventually stretches all the way to college) i think they're right. relationship does take a lot of time. you only have 24 hours a day. school takes about 5 hours per day, left with 19 hours. additional studying outside of school requires about an hour per day. that will be about 4 extra hours, subtracting that from the remaining hours, we only have 15 hours left. and don't forget about spending your leisure time, or cooking, or having an extra task such as doing a project which shall take care of another 5 hours. and you need 8 hours of sleep everyday. you only have 2 hours, which are intangible hours that you have no clue what you spend on. in my case, i watch king of queens reruns at 2 am most of the time

and let's compare it with a person whose boyfriend is indeed physically there. it's a basic fundamental rule to meet each other at least once a day. some even go to an extreme that they should even meet each other for lunch in school. after school? let's study together, in which 3 out of the 5 hours are unproductive because he's your boyfriend. unless you guys are at least 100 meters away, it's barely possible for you to focus on your work, coz you keep on thinking, duh! it's bf right in front of us. tired of school work, let's just talk about life. by the end of the night, not only are you behind your readings, (well, you gain better understanding about your counterpart, a plus point) you panic that you don't have enough prep for the test in 2 days. that proves one point: relationship does make your time management skill suck.

yes, i sorta regretted for jumping into a relationship in which the timing wasn't perfect. (it's sophomore year and i gotta take thermodynamics and organic chemistry) not that i am cocky, but i am sure that i wouldn't have to take organic chemistry 2 if i did focus on it. first, it's already a fact that my understanding on all these alkene, pyridine stuff wasn't all that great. added with my lack of interest to pursue this further, i was not only behind...but way back to the extent that i was the last few people in class who had no absolute clue about what fuchs talked about. ahhh...people would normally say this once the outcome's done: how i wish i had ... (fill in the blank) in my case, i don't have any remorse feeling. yes, i will take organic chemistry 2 next semester, along with my senior design project, lab and separation class. quite a heavy load of work i assume i'll be having. but boy, am i glad that i come to realize about the conflict of time management with relationship.

distance sets two persons apart, which is both pro and con. on one hand, i am able to pursue what i want to do. no need to reserve a time slot in which we shall have boyfriend girlfriend rituals. reading ahead of class is something that i finally got to do this semester. and guess what! i am finally reading materials that i used to love! (not just textbooks) yeah, nostalgic moments do happen from time to time, especially when you look at other couples on campus. but he raised a good point a few days ago: will our feelings be gone considering we only meet once a year? i really have no idea. i've been so driven by school that he's slightly off my priority list. do i care about him? of course i do. but friends can care for each other right? there's no difference between friends and special friend then. why bother having a relationship?

coz i want to feel special in the eyes of that somebody, not just as a friend. well, certainly, if you feel that you guys have nothing in common anymore, then it's better to drop it. it's of no use to continue a relationship that's not developing, but deteriorating. people get together because they share common values. he feels that you fill in his gaps, while he covers for yours. but once 2 people are set apart, (especially when the cultures are completely different) their mind sets might be heavily influenced by their surroundings to the extent that you feel things might not be the same anymore. in this case, both of you shall consider whether it's time to move on or stay strong.

i'm not quite sure how mine is working now. before he raised that concern, i didn't think of it much. now that it's brought up, i'm bothered. but i still want to be the special one in his eyes. so, i guess i'm just having my girly emotional side kicking in then. whatever the outcome of this is going to be, i think i shall do just fine. :P

funny little sis

found her blog from friendster and i had a look at it. oh my! darn funny! here's an excerpt:

funny things happened today.....on "pengembangan diri" lesson,the sister gave us a song....there was a part of that song that sounds(what is berbunyi in english???):SAILING SAILING HOME (3x)and....u know, my father's name is CELING.....and it sounds almost the same...so the boys sang that part more loudly than othe parts of that song....funny isn't it......hahaa...dad, you're popular among my friends....even they give you a cool nickname: WOLVERINE!!!(because of ur "jambang") hahaaaaand hans created a song titled cingcangCELING!!! (from a sundanese song titled CINGCANGKEULING)....but it's ok.....when they tease me....it means that they care about me.....that's why, i've never been angry to someone who teased me.......dgn syarat, ngledeknya msh normal.....bkn nyindir.......weks!!!!

wah! she's full of life. i am glad of her. i thought under mom's totalitarian parenting, she's quiet and submissive. but i guess i didn't know her well enough. i can't hardly wait for her to come to us and talk to her everyday. it'll be marvellous!

no man is an island

just talked to my mom and she told me about big brother who just got to beijing. being an individualistic, he immediately resented the idea of meeting up with our cous, who is currently studying at qing hua. (who happens to be 3 years younger than him too) and guess what? he realized that he had no clue about beijing, so he did eventually get in touch with culim and finally did get some insights about where to eat, where to shop, where to get good deals, etc.

ah. my bro. i think in a way, i resemble him a lot. i don't like seeking help when i am in trouble. if things don't turn out right eventually, that's the very last resort whence i'll helplessly ask for help. it's kinda stupid considering you've wasted so much energy and time being so individualistic and having it your way, and it doesn't end up as what you've expected.

i've learned to soften up a bit though. when people ask me whether i need their help, most of the time they do know that i've tried my very best and am still nowhere near the solution. being stubborn can become a hindrance, but i am learning to go easy on matters. i actually love senior year. all the people try to get productive and they're more focused on work. things get done quicker and all meetings do bear some progress on our projects.

anyway, i do hope bro will change his mindset. i think it's the family thing. mom's like that, though dad's not as prideful. hmm...we got heavy influence from mom then. coz i think bro's good in terms of business techniques, but he has a long way to go in terms of people-people relationship.

commencement!

yeay! perfecto timing! i just checked bro's academic year. his commencement date's going to be may 6th next year, while mine's 5 days later! plenty of time for parents to attend both. i am so happy!!! no more weird incidents like having to renew passports and thus resulting them to miss the graduation ceremony. i have to say, i can't hardly wait for 9 more months to come. :P slight uncertainty of my future, for sure...but hey, it's my turn to finally wear that cap and gown and say halleluyah to the mighty chemical engineering.

labor day's next monday. a long weekend. a good time to relax for a bit. this week's been a hectic one. group meetings. paperwork on car to be done. gmat oh gmat. i have to start touching you if i want to go to a good business school.

missed the study abroad fair. was there on time as scheduled, but the bad weather postponed the event. the guy in charge told me it'd be good if i could come back an hour later. but full-of-excuses me decided to take 2 glorious hours of nap. been having erratic timing to sleep. don't know why i am so hyperactive at night, while i continue yawning away during classes. such a nocturnal. aside of that, work's been great. been catching up with classes. i still love marketing game. finance is still on the topic recapping the engineering economy class i took ages ago. reminds me of that ie professor whom firo and i kept on guessing on his age. nah, estimated to be 73 years old, but his movement and the way he talks just age him so much!

you know, sometimes i hate myself for giving the impression of being such an arrogant person who doesn't speak much in front of new people. but an hour or two later, after these people try to make conversations with me, i will be more comfy and share more about myself. why can't i just be outgoing from the very beginning? saves all the awkward silence right?

yard sale

yep, i participated in the yard sale this morn. pretty successful. most of the stuff desperately needed by new students were sold out quickly. there was price confusion, like selling a bunch of hangers for $5, (which didn't make sense) but everything's finally settled. rejoining permias activities was fun since i am an extrovert and i haven't really taken part in any extracurricular activities for the past 2 years. but not many people knew me. some of them even thought that i was singaporean. haha! told you guys in the previous entry. i could pass as any nationality person.

amidst my junior peers chattering and playing around with the furnitures, i felt so alone. and suddenly i just missed him a lot. i started wondering how on earth i could be by myself for a year and so now. and when i was feeling that way, my itune music was supportive towards my mood. it's playing frank sinatra's it's the way you look tonight and the duet song of barbra steisand and brian adam, i've finally found someone. haha! i guess i was feeling mellow. but remember, absence makes the heart grow fonder. the fonder it is, the better. :P and better level of separation too.

and just like richard marx and donna lewis' song, at the beginning:
life is a road and i want to keep going
love is a river i wanna keep flowing
life is a road now and forever
wonderful journey

marketing class

out of the 6 classes that i am taking this semester, i truly enjoy the marketing class. the instructor is probably the best chinese teacher i've had and he allows lotsa interactions in class. (and we do interact most of the time considering participation points are included in the final grade) i think my marketing group's gonna be superb since everybody seems to get organized pretty quickly. let's make this semester a smooth-sailing one!!!

i am pretty pleased that the people that i left voice messages earlier this afternoon called me back promptly. nora's in florida right now, spending time with her columbia roommie. didn't get to cedar point last week since i was so drained out of traveling and i didn't think 11 hours of traveling on greyhound's fun.

should attempt to go for the 0730 class tomorrow. have never learned biology all my life and this is going to be a challenge. (especially for the fact that i haven't even touched the book) the aspen tutorial's postponed to tuesday, which is great news. btw, most indonesians actually don't recognize me when i am in their classes. that's interesting. i do pass as another nationality person. cheers to my tanned skin and of course my westernized sense of fashion. :P

2nd day of school!

new semester. new haircut. (which looks good :P) new bunch of people in class i have no clue about. gotta wake up early most days coz the day starts with either a 0730 or 9 am class. bro's leaving this weekend. i am hoping i could help out in permias' garage sale this friday and i might be off to indy tonight for sana's birthday celebration.

haha! lotsa info to digest right? so what's my resolution for this semester? work hard for the semester coz i am taking all elective classes. i hope they'd boost my gpa. have to start applying for mba programs. am still not ready for gmat!

virginia is just a countryside (sorry, roommie! but it doesn't really have much things. good japanese food though) but dc is a metropolitan city. (of coz, it's the capital!) was at u of maryland. yearned to go there. beautiful campus. nice gates surrounding the school. will strengthen my leg muscles if i do get accepted there. gotta go up the hill as you go for classes.

as i get to know firos better, i begin to stop gossiping about people. she makes sense. why would you talk about somebody if it's none of your business?

inner vs. outer beauty

a recent kompas reader's article triggered me to blog this. for guys, this might not affect you that much. but i am sure that all ladies out there believe that beauty is an important aspect of their lives.

so, let's start off by comparing 2 girls, one is tall, slim, has distinct features, but has foul mood. (aside of the terrible temper, she's a nice person) another girl is just a normal average girl, you won't notice her if there are a lot of people in the room, but once you talk to her, she gives you the best impression of all. smart, polite, and knows how to participate in conversations. if a guy were to choose between these two totally repelling personalities, which one do you think he will choose?

i can tell that most guys would choose the first girl. why? that's because of her outer beauty. guys think that there's nothing that could be done to the normal looking girl. she will still not be able to stand out in the crowd, while the pretty girl is still the center of attention. and another thing with guys is that they think practically. foul mood? guy believes that through progression of time, he will be able to change her and tada...what more could you ask for a girl besides outer and inner beauties?

yes, life's unfair. many of you might fall into envious mode towards those pretty friends of yours who seem to be able to get it all. that's why you shouldn't compare yourself to the normal standard of society. if you fall for that, you will never think that you're good enough for anybody. the result? you'll pull yourself into deeper misery.

you gotta know that all of us, handsome, pretty, normal looking or not-so-nice looking, will turn into wrinkly old people with no hair and no teeth 50 years down the road. no one would be outstanding then. everybody has about the same features, and why bother to get the best looking companion if everybody ends up to be the same?

granted, the pretty girls have advantages over getting more good looking guys or in some cases, both good looking and wealth-off guys. but i am sure that not all people buy the social standard. some people do look deeper into inner beauty of the opposite sex before deciding whether they want to spend their lifetime together with that person. so what should an average normal person do then, to at least survive in this double standard society?

1. do take care of your outer appearance. i am not saying that you gotta make yourself look good in front of the opposite sex, but first and foremost, you gotta ensure that you have good hygiene. basic simple rules like taking showers at least once a day, brushing your teeth, combing your hair, and putting on deodorant if you realize that you don't smell that great definitely help.

wear nicer outfits if you are invited to parties or formal social events. during normal days, just be yourself. wear something that you're comfortable in, but at the same time, have acceptable appearance, in which people wouldn't snicker at you.

for girls, there's no need to wear heels to school. i've tried wearing heels for 12 hours and it doesn't work. if you're uncomfy with make up, then don't. and an extra info would be, take care of your skin. i gotta admit that guys do take a good look at your face. put on hairband if you realize that you have oily hair which could contribute to the number of pimples on your face. have some lip balm when your lips get slightly dry. other than that, you're good to go :)

2. a good way to improve your inner beauty will be to reflect on your mistakes (based on your character) and try not to do them anymore. one very important aspect is forgiving. have you forgiven the person who had hurt you acutely 5 years back? do you do revenge? forgiving is the hardest thing i've done all this while, but once i've approached that person, apologized, and be friends with her again, (well, you might not be the best pals like before) you will feel at peace.

spending your quiet time each day does help. as i am a christian, i like to close my eyes and pray to god about what i have done today. is what i have done morally right? i ask Him to give me guidance throughout this process of learning. for those of you who are still seeking god, spend 15 minutes being alone, away from your laptop, close your eyes, listen to soothing music while pondering about what you've done today. it does help to relieve your stress and you be a better yourself next time.

to conclude, i do care about my appearance, but i do think that inner beauty is a more important aspect to look at. i'd rather have a guy who's not great looking but cares about me deeply instead of a gorgeous guy whose giving me pet peeves all year round.

be brave, my friends! you're your own standard. no one shall change you coz you're who you are.

new roommie!

new roommie's finally arrived! she's from a small region in china called guizhou. a simple, yet nice girl. she brought me a chinese decor and a scrunchie. how nice! and she asks me questions when she doesn't understand certain things. that shows that she believes that there shouldn't be any barrier between us coz we're of different nationalities. that's terrific!

been catching up with my sleep today. had to check for book prices at university bookstore, give away some of the egg tarts to pals, and it's pouring cats and dogs. perfecto timing to sleep! am planning to make pempek palembang with firo tomorrow. please, don't let it rain! just ruin the mood to cook something delish.

i made up my mind. i am taking an 11 plus hour greyhound trip to sandusky, oh to meet up with nors and go to cedar point. initially, i thought it'd be a wasted trip considering it'd be a day trip and look at how many hours i'd spend on traveling time. but i don't know when i'll be going to cedar point in the future...plus, i think my communication with nors would be slightly cut off in the last 2 semesters. well, we made plans to go travel after we graduate. i still believe that we will keep in touch after years...but it's going to be hard to meet up given that we're at different schools and different areas.

am so darn lazy to start studying gmat. i've got the book since 3 weeks ago, but i've only started skimming through it today. i shall go to the library to try to concentrate on studying. i am pretty much set up for fall semester, but i imagine people in my year would give me weird looks when i get back to school. they'd be wondering where on earth this girl has been for the past 1 year. kaka! it's london...and you've missed a great deal of experience since you aren't there.

enough of this. too much rattles tattles and one advice for those people who are willing to wear high heels for the entire day: don't! you're doing your feet some damage. been there, done that. i gotta say that it's not a very nice experience.

envy

i've been thinking a lot about myself lately. am i a failure? while people around me are getting internships, earning really good grades, getting well-paid jobs, i am doing things that i was doing back in freshman year. taking classes and doing things that i enjoy most.

i know that i am a person who doesn't go by social standard. by that, i mean i don't follow what the normal people do. i've been emphasizing on my quality of life. who knows i only have a couple more years to go for my life? no one knows. but, sometimes, my principle foundation just goes shaky and i start questioning myself: am i a failure? while everybody else has been earning income, i've earned none since last summer and am planning not to have any source of income till i graduate. not that i am too lazy to even seek for jobs, but the workload for my last 2 semesters are going to be tremendous and i don't want to pull down the grades that are expected to crash if i just don't study.

i don't know. i am just upset that i am not doing as well as everybody else. or is it envy? but yes, i do have something in mind of what i am going to do after i graduate. i do hope that everything goes smoothly. not a very ambitious plan, i think...but at the same time, this plan involves earning my own bucks, giving something back to the people and of course improving my quality of life.

you know, i keep on telling people not to follow what others do. set your own standard (but not too low) and pursue what you love. you might get down by what others do, but you just continue doing what you think is right for you. now that i think of it, it's right...but why am i feeling this vulnerable?

i am not a loser. and i think i can do my parents proud. and i shall prove that to mom and dad soon. wish me luck, guys!

missing girl

a girl whom i've known for quite a bit went missing. apparently, she didn't contact anybody, including her family, after her graduation. her parents only knew that she's about to have internship in indianapolis and then she just went out of touch.

the weird thing is that people are trying to find her through mailing lists, which may not be all that effective. i am not very close to her. in fact, the last time i saw her was probably last spring, having lunch together at htm cafe. where are her friends? i am pretty sure that she does have a good bud at purdue. i mean...will 2 good friends be completely out of touch after college is done? people were informed that she actually left some of her stuff at somebody's place, but i bet he or she has no idea where she is now.

the thing is...i got a cous who died without anybody knowing about it. she led an individualistic life i guess. she seldom phoned her parents and i guess she didn't really know her next door neighbors all that well. how did they find her? neighbor complained that there's terrible smell coming out of her apartment and yeah, no one knew the exact time she passed on.

that's why i just hope and wish that ade's fine. it's better to know that your friend elopes instead of having the same tragedy like your own cous. i am going to try to contact the iss office, see whether i could get the company's contact number where she works at. i shall go to her ex dorm and find out whether she has a forwarding address. i hope it's not going to be a futile effort.

for pals reading this, do pray for ade. she's only 22. she has a future ahead of her. wherever she is, may she be safe.

cooking is heaven!

2 more weeks to the end of summer school. i realize that skipping classes becomes a norm after being in london. it's so hard to keep myself awake at 9 in the morn! and believe it or not...i got a 0730 class for 3 days in a week next semester. good luck, mel! either you'll continue having this skipping classes habit, or i do hope they do have incentives (like quizzes) to motivate me to go to class. but don't worry guys, i don't just stop going to classes. the pattern has been one absence in 5 days. i hope my record won't be blemished coz i am still determined to go to all classes for the next 2 weeks. (who knows the instructor might tell us things we need to know for exams)

anyway, surprise...surprise! i've finally found pleasure in cooking. it turns out to be easy! right now i don't even want to eat out unless i am absolutely lazy to cook. well, the troubles with cooking my own meals are that:
1) it takes at least 30 mins or so to perfect the food, and i don't have the time during normal semesters.
2) i don't like left-overs! when you cook for yourself, you tend to have the same stuff for the following meal...and then the following lunch and dinner. by the end of the week, you get so tired of what you cook, off you go to any fast food joints!

i can't just ask cheetah to have this joint partnership of cooking again. i mean we'd be busy during normal semesters. but let's see. i still have a lists of dishes i want to cook. the more the merrier. at least, i am getting more and more womanly. kaka! which is a good check list to get a good husband. just like a saying, 'a good way to impress a man is by filling in his tummy.'

so, anything new from me? roommie came to town and she treated me all the time! that's the the power of being employed. :P thank goodness, she's gone...otherwise i'd be a panda right now. we could talk for hours and lights would only be out at about 4 am. whoa! but i'm going to visit her between 12th and 16th of august. this time, she'll the one who's gonna be extremely tired considering she has to work and i am still having my hols. :D

and speaking about roommies, yes...i dare say that i finally found a roommie! a phd student in food & nutritions from china. she doesn't seem like the type of person who'd run away from the lease. (unlike my supposed-to-be next roommie) i do hope that we'd become good pals. so far, the closest chinese friend that i have is yin yan and oops...i have promised to see her one of these days, but i never did! bleh! no more excuse. i should give her a surprise visit this friday.

jay's leaving for maryland too. :( seems like everybody's moving out of purdue. that got me even determined to get done with purdue. 1 more year, so it shall! and then adios, this small town which i've called my 2nd home for the past 3 years. actually, west lafayette's not all that bad. i've met some of the most wonderful people around. so better start appreciating my last 2 semesters here.

sleepo time, ciao!

unpacking

had the time of my life and decided to redecorate my apartment. my room used to have so many extra furnitures from dearest roommie, but i managed to scatter them around the house. my room's finally back to my style, simple and plain. (which according to roommie, is totally boring)

did unpack the 2 boxes which had been lying there for almost a month. found a mug i bought from disney world 2 years ago. took out my eccentric purple stereo and aside of all the dust it's been collecting, it's still working perfect. saw the green ugly googles which i have had since 2003, and thanked myself for still keeping it since i need to take another chemistry lab. found this small christmas mug received from vina as christmas present. there were actually 4 of those, with different characters on each mug. and yes, my ex roommies took 1 each and now that they've all graduated (and aren't gonna live with me anymore), my mug's the only one surviving in the living room. and i digressed.

i am still not letting go of those fond memories. memories in which all my good pals were around. but you know, this is always been the cycle. you feel lost at the beginning, you meet up somebody just to pass time, realize that you grow close to her, confide in her, and when the time comes, it's time to let go. but i am pretty sure that sometime in the future, i will meet up with them again, and we'd have the best times of our lives.

it's all about the summer!

thumb's up to summer! weather's just right. i could finally cook some dishes from my recipe archive. (yes, try www.foodnetwork.com. a very reliable site to find recipes) i could just leave homework and readings at the very last minute and finish them all before midnight. (imagine doing that during full semester? i am not going to sleep!) i could go to corec and do my running routine. (25 laps this time. hopefully, it's attainable) i could watch king of queens episodes and laugh like nuts without being haunted by work. best of all, the gameshow network at buncit's place! that's like heaven. i could spend hours trying to figure out the lingo puzzles and who wants to be millionaire questions without doing any other thing. summer is about killing time. (not wasting time, mind you :P)

my results from ucl turned out to be decent, and i thank god for that coz i do not have to worry about graduating later than expected. which means...*drum rolls please* i could minor in management as well as do my senior year without feeling burdened of taking the classes that i thought i might need to retake. well, slightly hellish senior year, but still manageable. wish me luck, guys!

another update from me---i might not have a roommie for the next 2 semesters. the supposed-to-be roommie of mine stood us up, but well...i am still trying to find one and to think about it, living alone might be fun, especially you might want to be on your own when you have your free time.

imax theaters are great! huge screen, excellent sound system, and of course the 3d impact. those of you who have the chance to go there, please do so! it's slightly more expensive, but worth the money. one advice though, do come 1/2 an hour in advance! i practically had to angle my head 120 degrees up for the entire 2 and 1/2 hours of superman returns since we came exactly on the dot.

my reflection on this guy with 1 jutting out pony? (wondered why.) these days, these superheroes movies focus on our psychology thinking and it's not exactly my thing. the guys thought they're awesome, while i think they're way too draggy. it's one's preference actually.

and while so many people want to go to chicago or indy for their holiday getaways, i am getting so tired of traveling! maybe that's because i didn't have much break in between my uk travel and coming back to purdue, but really...the idea of sitting at home, cooking some new dishes and watching gsn looks more appealling going to places 3 hours away from here.

and mom's officially realized how lonely she is without us kids. now that sis is doing her homestay in us and yongma's gone to attend somebody's wedding, that's actually a good prep when the real thing happens. soon she'll realize how fast we grow and how we could stand on our own two feet.

wedding + in america

as what i've mentioned in the previous post, i had to attend a wedding. the first one in which it's addressed to me, not to my parents...and i was excited about it.

it was a traditional, simple yet elegant wedding. i got teary minutes after the bridesmaids entered the hall. my mascara was already smudged by the time hirro and dan started exchanging their wedding vows. and that moment actually stirred me. yes, i do want to get married. i want to silently cry in happiness while citing my wedding vow. i want to proclaim to my dear ones how much i love my man. it's not happening anytime soon, rest assured, but when the time is right, i am going to do it. and before that time comes, i am hoping i will be able to attend several weddings and get teary all over again.

i've been watching several movies these days. not that i am completely free, but i just want to get rid of these dvds that i borrowed from cheetah. and i've been seeing movies in theaters too. i guess i am enjoying the privilege of seeing a movie for 1/2 the price of that in london. i shall say that french movies have weird (or shall i say different?) ways to convey their messages. i found amelie intriguing, though plotwise it was meaningless. a very long engagement was very draggy, though the message was clear---if you have faith in your loves ones, whatever you've hoped for would come true. i like he loves me, he loves me not though. solid storyline and the frenchman was so good in creating a situation in the perspective of a man and a woman.

will i watch any other french movies? well, not right now coz it normally takes all my concentration and sometimes it would turn out to be disappointing. but i guess i have to find those which aren't starred by audrey tautou. she tends to star in uniquely artistic movies which focus on human behaviors.

and i just watched in america, which was recommended by nora. it's pretty heavy, so i suggest you guys might want to watch it when you don't feel stressful. it's about an irish family which migrated to america, filled with hope. part of the reasons why they decided to settle down in america was that they wanted to put into past the memories of their son/brother, frankie, who had died of brain tumor. life's tough...they were penniless, their neighbors were mostly drug addicts and the mom was expecting a child who might die if she's born too soon or endangered mom's life if she came out late.

despite their relatively difficult life, the 2 daughters always looked at things in positive manner. they talked like adults, and the dad always tried to please them though he barely made the ends meet. the parents were blaming one's self for their son's death, but the oldest daughter, who believed that god granted her 3 wishes, wished that her mom and dad would put aside the thought of frankie and move on. the wish came true and the movie ended with the mom and dad hugging emotionally, realizing that the newborn daughter was there to replace old memories of frankie.

what a beautiful movie. somehow, it's a cliche of the movie it's a beautiful life, but it's in today's era. sometimes i wonder whether such a family exists. a father who always tries to spend quality time with his children. a mom who lets her children raise their concerns. daughters and sons who would not cry over toys, but ask questions like adults. i don't think i was like that when i was a kid. i guess struggles do give wisdom, not only to adults, but also to children. if your life is just like a straight 100 mile highway without any turns, i bet you will not learn as much.

am back!!!

yes! safe and sound, despite having a few uneventful things along the way.

first, i got detained while going through the immigration section at o'hare. well, my i-20 form's signed by purdue's international student counselor last august and it's valid for a year. however, most students actually get out of america for a short vacation and they're normally back in 2 or 3 months' time. looking at my case, the officer thought i had actually graduated and came back using my student visa. minutes crawled as i was brought into this tiny room where another officer looked at my record and finally realized that i was still a full-time student at purdue. sigh. the down part of being an international student who went for an exchange program.

walked out of the arrival hall as happy as a bird for i was so close to smelling west lafayette. had lunch, went home, and hung out with buncit and cheetah that night. everything went fine till the next morn, when i discovered that my passport and i-20 were gone!!! whoa!!!

unpacked everything, searched high and low and finally told nug about it. he's the one who took all the information regarding whom i should contact if these most important docs happened to be gone forever. called o'hare's lost and found. no one called back despite me leaving a voicemail. called buncit. he left for 1st day of work and wasn't picking up the phone. at this point, i was on the verge of just accepting the fact that i might just apply for a new passport and obtain a new i-20 form. but there's no way i would obtain my us visa in america and for that fact, i would have to stay here till i graduate and then reapply for us visa after i graduate. (if i want to go to graduate school) thank goodness, later that night, buncit called and told me that my dearest passport's in his car. phew!!! i-20 form's gone though. but i couldn't imagine how mad my parents would be if i lost my passport. it's like a deja vu. a year back, a few minutes before taking my train ride to jakarta, i just found out that i couldn't find my passport in my purse. alas! it was in my large suitcase, burried in one of the plastic bags containing my medicine supplies.

and how are classes? tight schedule i suppose...and taking 2 economics classes at the same time can give ya a headache coz one's supposed to be the prerequisite of the other...but at least i could get this entire subject on 2 points' of views---miniscule and broad. so far so good, but this jetlag's been sucking all my free time. other than that, time's been spent with meeting friends who'll be leaving west lafayette for good. one's off for internship in indy and another one's gone to dallas, tx. whoa!!! so many people got interns this summer! felt slightly ashamed that i am still stuck with summer school.

off meeting sana now :D glad that this week of class is finally over.

my room

i was packing and i saw how empty my room was. it's the place where i've slept, dined, watched dvds, crammed for exams, listened to radio, brushed my teeth...basically, my life after going to classes. and i couldn't believe i'd be leaving in less than 48 hours. i am grieving over it. and i don't think i can bring my tripod. 2 gigantic suitcases, 1 sling bag for baby vaio and a backpack for my passport are enough to keep me occupied. i am so going to miss this place. true, london can be a hostile place, but when you've been in this metropolitan city long enough, you'll learn to give it a smile and not take it too seriously.

how i wish i could write a little note in a corner of my room, with this saying: 'this room has witnessed every single history of mel's life between 2005 and 2006.'

adios, room 224, ramsay hall! adios, london! thank you for giving me sweet and bitter memories. i shall treasure them for as long i could remember.

i don't want the whole world to see me, coz i don't think that they'll understand

an earthquake just engulfed jogja a week ago. and i didn't know about that till i received a friend's text message asking me whether my family was okay.

for those of you who are concerned, thank you so much! :) my family's fine. we live in a small town between the border of west and central java, while the earthquake took place in jogja, the eastern part of east java.

i remembered one of the contributors in 'our column' on kompas.com. he's from bantul, the area where the impact was the greatest. he often wrote about his childhood in bantul. where he used to hang out during his grade school days. which food stalls to take note of in case any readers wanted to travel there.

but i guess everything's turned into dust now. i am still not updated about how many people have been killed. i heard the governor of jogja is still deciding which international volunteer organizations should take part in restoring jogja. dang it! help keeps on coming, but you still have doubts in it? i don't think that these foreigners want to be illegal immigrants in indonesia. i don't know what this guy is thinking.

and deep down inside, i feel sorry for these people. i want to help. not just by donating to any organizations. i want to be a part of this team who's there to do all the work...digging all the rumbles, carrying rice sacks, consoling those who have lost their families. and i simply can't do that. just because i am far away from home and that parents will definitely go against it. not that i am all gungho about making a difference to the world. i want to help. as much as i could. to the extent that there's no way i could do anything and remorse takes over me. that's how much i want to help.

and my adventurous nature vs. his concern over me has always been an issue. i travel not because i want to let others know how many countries i have travelled to. the smell of challenge conquering a new country has always been my interest. and not that i want to be different from the rest of the world, i am simply the black sheep of the white flock. i think differently. everybody thinks about safety. i think about when i will ever do it again. people think for their best interests. i try to put others before me.

but he sees me as a foolish person. who's too stubborn to listen to his precautions. who's selfish enough to put aside his worries for what i am keen in doing.

i don't give up what i do for a man. a man that i am fond of. not that i am selfish. i think liking a man and your adventure without any clashes is doable. and if he can't accept just the travelling bits, how about my intentions of doing what i could for the world? i think that would be beyond his scope of tolerance.

we can't continue shouting at each other for different idealities. it simply doesn't work. and i grieve over that.

finito!

truly speaking, i had no clue about mass transfer operations. just glimpsed through my notes and nothing seeped into my brain. be prepared to get a just pass or maybe a c for it. sigh. now, i got 2 courses which i dread a lot, while the other 6 went okay i guess.

so, so...latest update: indeed, i am going to travel in 2 days' time. my schegen visa is out and that sorts out the entire woes of this trip. and it's going to be a tightly-budgeted trip considering my debit card from bank one has expired. there's no way am i going to get any money out of it. and i am afraid since czech and hungary are still developing countries, they don't have that many shops that accept credit cards. ya, i am going to bring extra cash just for safety. wish me safe trip, pals!

i've started packing up for my trip back to purdue. my god! an entire suitcase 30 kilo worth of books and notes. and to think that i might have to let them go by next year. i do hope everything would fit into my 2 suitcases. 25 kg is the maximum weight per luggage, but i am gambling the opportunity of stashing extra 5 kilo of stuff on each suitcase.

strangely enough, many of my friends are getting married! both of my churchmates, who have dated their boyfriends of 1 year, have decided to end their singlehood next year! but but...i am just shocked! true, both of them are 25 this year, a sacred age to actually get yourself hitched, but isn't 1 year a short time to know the person whom you're gonna spend the rest of your life with? and considering this is the first year i started getting wedding invitations, (hirro's wedding this june 26th. i love hirro and dan! dan actually was away in iraq for 2 years. glad he's back and now with hirro :D) i am slightly petrified. yes, i am 20...but i am pretty sure there will be people of my age who would be getting married. that reminds me that i am no longer young. but seriously, i still can't put a guy in my future. i am still the selfish brat who plans for herself. maybe time will change my mind later.

but looking at the history of my cousins, many of them are still unmarried at the age of 30 and yes, aunts would be worrying about their fates. some would go to such an extent of finding a guy to be matchmade to their daughter. if i would be a 29 year old single woman, please mom...no random guy for a blind date at our home. it just shows how incapable i am in finding mr right and plus, i guess these days women are more independent. they could survive on their own.

there'll be bbq tomorrow :) my first and last one. i think it would be a parting goodbye time with the 2nd year students. had fun meeting them at science library's 3rd floor for the past 1 month. hope the weather's conducive for the event. and yes, i've bid my farewell to bengkalis. she's going home for good. don't know when i'll see her again, but hey...god forbids...we met after 5 years of not contacting each other.

the smell of freedom is so close, yet...

4 days to go, and i can't hardly wait! the last paper on the last day of the 3 consecutive exam days was tough. slightly petrified, but i hope i could manage at least a b (or a c? dang it!). heard that many people didn't feel that it was hard. crashed to bed after that paper and again the sleeping syndrome overcame me today. didn't get any work done again. :(

you know, time will fly really fast after i am done with exams. am off to travel to salzburg, vienna, budapest, and prague. back to london on the 3rd. and gone again on the 5th to travel to oxford, cambridge, stratford, (where shakespeare was born) and stonehenge. by the time i am back, it's already the 9th and i got 1 day to visit some places i've never been in london like science and british museums. hectic, hectic, hectic!

i am still waiting for the schegen visa from austrian embassy. hopefully it'll be out soon. in the meantime, let me get some motivation to learn things on process dynamics and control + mass transfer operations.

you know how to hug an elephant, but how in the world do you love your enemies?

yes, it's adapted from pastor ron's sermon this morning, which touched me deeply.

so first of all, how do you hug an elephant, or...as a matter of fact, how do you hug any animal which is huge in size? it's easy...in the case of an elephant, you start off by hugging its tail, and then its legs and last but not least, its trunk. slightly unbelievable, but they're still counted as hugs right?

now...how do we define an enemy? a person who always gets on our way...basically, a person who makes our lives miserable. and as human beings who tend to have negative thoughts, we just go straight into the assumption that he or she is a bad guy and that there's no point in creating any friendship with them.

a young man came to pastor ron and told the pastor that he hated this guy for pursuing the same girl.

'she is a knock out,' says the young man. 'you'd definitely like her when you see her.'

'so, how about her heart? is her personality good?' pastor ron asked.

'i have no clue. i just know that her appearance is great.' the man replied.

'how about the other young man? do you know him? is he a nice person?' pastor ron again asked another question.

the young man went into deep thoughts. the next afternoon, he decided to have a lunch with the other guy and they hit it off. the girl? they decided she's not worth it.

and how do we treat our enemies? yes, it's okay to take no action, to ensure that you don't have anything to do with him or her. but being withdrawn isn't enough. when the enemy needs your help, help him or her with all your heart. just as what the bible says, if the enemy slaps your left cheek, give him the other one.

i know it's a very hard concept to grasp. i have a hard time dealing with my enemies, but i am glad that i did not retaliate against greg when he made me feel like a stupid person. and now? he treats me like a real friend, and i am really glad.

so, when you bump into this person whom you hate a lot, give a smile and say hello instead of walking off.

last one standing

first, it's buncit. and then, nug's gone for good. now the one thing i dreaded most finally came---roommie's gone! :( yes, i guess i will start from 0 again when i come back to west lafayette. but, congrats, dear roommie! you're finally a fresh-graduate engineer now. make sure you meet all the specifications of your machine or whatever plant that you're working on. don't wanna get fired. haha! but she's coming to visit us anyway, so nah...aside from being slightly upset that our proximity is gonna be a barrier of being together to have some fun, (from pilates to elvis concert) our friendship will last forever. you shall attend my wedding and i shall attend yours yeah? (am waiting for the wedding bell. i think it's soon :P)

but little things did cheer me up. here's nora's latest email:

Melisa Lisa Bo-Bisa
Banana Fana Fo-Fisa
Me Mi Mo-Misa
MELISA!

good chant, huh? exam studying makes one a nutter. going to the chem engsports/bbq day thing on the 23rd? greg and i were thinking yeah. we'll be back by 7 and then quick pack and bed cuz WE'RE GOING TO AUSTRIA on 24th.
where the hills are alive.
with
the sound.
of music.

-nora,nora,bobora, banana, fana, fofora, me, mi, momora, nora!

i swear i will miss her a lot once i am done with ucl :( (sigh...again, it's separation time)

and another news...

i thought hirro was joking when she asked me for my address in london, and guess what? i received her wedding invitation a couple of days ago and it's on june 26th. haha! this time, i DO have to shave and make myself look pretty. yes, hirro! i am coming to your wedding!

all bad things have to come to an end and are replaced by good news. yeah!!!

Melisa Lisa Bo-Bisa
Banana Fana Fo-Fisa
Me Mi Mo-Misa
MELISA! (it's getting on my head)

cell phone

i am raging in anger now.

waited for the cell phone to be returned to me, repaired. 2 weeks of anticipation and mom's constant complaints that she couldn't hear my voice clearly. everything went down the drain.

the phone was returned, but still as dead as before. so how about my postal order of 11 pounds and 75 p in which i had sent the repair company? 'oh i am sorry, mdm. if you want your phone to be returned back, that's the handling fee that you've given us.' what the hell!!! i thought that money would go to the repair (coz it's beyond economical repair and the waranty didn't include that) and i'd get my phone safely. darn sony ericsson! darn service center for taking my almost 12 pounds for sending me back a phone!!! i only spent 1 pound to send the phone to them! they ate my money!!! *cursing* now that i've spent 60 pounds total for this phone, (50 for the purchase and 10 for the 'handling fee') i think i would pay for 1 more new phone to just get it repaired. i swore to myself, no more sony ericsson for the rest of my life! 2 failed phones of the same brand and i got enough.

so what's my next plan? back to my old nokia, which still doesn't work well in my dorm. (coz it's us-based and the frequencies are different) rely on it for the next 1 month till i get back to us. and i just hate it when people on the next table are happily yapping away loudly (even regarding their schoolwork) while i am there, trying extremely hard to concentrate. i can't take it!!! god!!! i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. when simple things simply don't work. i just feel like screaming at people. argh!!!

hair

one thing i do not like being a woman is that i have plenty of hair. it's totally acceptable to have hairy arms, but people normally snicker at the thought of women having hairy legs. yes, i am one of those few ladies who can't be bothered to get rid of my bountiful hair on my legs. that's why here in london, i don't wear any shorts though the weather's getting nicer these days. it's london...people look at you and expect you to have smooth legs. otherwise, it's their disapproval glance that would kill you.

my self-confidence level was normally pretty high until this afternoon. i was wearing a 3/4 khaki, which showed one-forth of my hairy leg and this curt bald middle eastern just commented in front of my face, 'hey, your legs need to shave!' i just kept quiet, which i guess was the best thing to do at that point of time. a few seconds later, i totally regretted what i did. first of all, what sort of english is 'your legs need to shave?' darn balding guy! how i wished i could just tell him off, 'first of all, my legs can't shave anything. they're meant for walking. second, should you care about my business? i am the one who has the problem. i am the one who might suffer from humiliation. should you care at all?' and i guess i got pretty traumatic after that. i guess the 3/4 khaki would be in my wardrobe till i get out of london. i remember wearing shorts during summer back at purdue and i felt great. i do hope this accident won't make me traumatic for life. not while i am overseas.

right at this point of time, i have this thought that i would set up my own thing once i graduate. not that i do not want to continue what my parents have been doing. i just see myself in so much disagreements with them. they are very controlling (in terms of fundamental things) and they always see me as a naive person. they're so afraid that i am making mistakes. mistakes are good. they shape me into a better person. i've been foolish all my life, but no...i am not so stupid to an extent that i am aimless and i would just fall apart without them. i don't know. sometimes i just feel i am in so much pain when i am home. i don't get any freedom. in speech. in terms of going out. in doing what i like to do. maybe it's better for me to start from 0 and be on my own and get my freedom instead of helping my parents, getting more than enough financially, but inadequate emotionally. sometimes, i wish that i could be an american kid. yes, i'd be burdened by college loans by the time i graduate. but my parents would give me support in my decision-making. they'd let me fall and learn from my mistakes. not the i-told-you-so when i fall. okay, i am thinking too much, but i do feel grateful to have been all around the world. singapore, usa, and uk. a very small percentage of people in the world could travel as much as me. maybe i am just longing for the rightful freedom that any 20-year-old could easily attain. i do hope my parents would loosen up as time goes by.

speaking of which, i think my long term goals of getting married by 25 or 26, settling down, and having kids might be put on hold. yes, i still have so many years to go. my future might still be uncertain. but it seems like a guy who's on the same page as me and who could accept my traveling habits, my stubborn and daring nature is like an animal who's going to extinct. i don't care whether my cousins are successful, (one of them, who's younger than me, would be graduating at the same time as me. i do hope parents won't comment much on this) while i might be struggling over what i am doing. never mind the comparison, but it's the fact that i am doing what i love to do is the main key.

cnn

the news are getting depressing these days. was browsing through cnn.com, where the headline said, 'suicide bomber attack again in egypt'.

thankfully, no one got killed this time. there were 2 bombers and they were at different locations. but i guess they ran out of luck. they ended their lives without really proving any points. the egyptian government might be jeering at them now. haha! stupid guys! what a waste of life! i mean...in the name of god, i don't think any god asks you to kill yourself to support whatever religion denomination you're in. yes, there are stories about people who lost everything and yet still remain faithful to Him. but, no...those characters didn't die. they end up experiencing miracles and getting good outcomes. i think these suicide bombers are on the verge of frustration and nonchalance of how worthy their lives are. they thought by being dead, they'd become martyrs and people would remember them as people who stand on their own feet to refuse what other opinions are. but those times are gone. even women become suicide bombers. do they think about their families? do they think about how their families would bear the outcome of being blamed for everything for what they have done?

i don't know why people dare to die. give me a chance to live in paradise first (coz i am sure the boss bribes ya to do so) and become 1 fellow of those bombers, i don't think i would even think about it. i mean i was already in anxiety when i got my german measles at 10. i already thought of death and i kept on praying feverishly that god would let me off that one time. luckily, i was fine a few days later and i began to realize how precious life is and how we could lose it just like that.

and what's up with brad pitt? a confused mind...a guy whose hair color changes according to his partner's hair color. now that he's with jolie, he's turned into a darkie. when he was with jen aniston, his hair was caramel brown and remember his ex ex ex, gwyneth paltrow? yes, you guessed it right! his hair was blond when he was with her.

now, imagine how you'd feel if you were aniston. 5 years of marriage, with no child. (well, maybe aniston was stubborn enough to tell pitt that career came first in her priority) and bam! as soon as mr and mrs smith was out, jolie's pregnant! (might be women's infertility considering tom immediately caused the pregnancy of holmes, while he had to adapt 2 kids when he was with nicole kidman and no child between them) and i guess celebrity couples don't communicate much except while they're supposed to be in limelight. pitt just drifted away with aniston and aniston (i guess) sorta took revenge and went out with vaughn. sigh!

and jolie! she did become an ambassador of un, but just like an old saying: 'a good country is based on good citizens.' no matter how hard she tries to give aids to africa or visit the poorer rural areas, in people's eyes, she's still a husband snatcher. not that i am pro-aniston, but shouldn't people look at a person for who he or she is? i guess in real world, it's not the case.

and i applaused blair's deputy who admitted his 2 year affair, which he had ended 2 years ago. yes, people are disappointed. yes, his wife was in shock. but to have the courage to tell the public of his past wrongdoing way before paparazzi decides to dig in further. (or maybe the feeling of guilt? i shall be more positive in my writing) that's something that i sometimes can't do. why don't we just spare him his space? he's contributed so much to great britain and there's no point a small scandal (which is already over) could scar his great being.

and lastly...the bird flu has finally reached britain! and i just ate kfc's hot wings. :P i'll definitely get a call from mom these days warning me not to eat too much chicken. yeah, mind my being curt in my post this time. the news just tell me that adults don't get wiser as they get older. sigh.

arrogance

was asking my tutor about the project due this week when this smart lady came in to ask questions regarding the same project.

'so, what assumptions should you make for this system?' prof asked.

'hmmm...ideal gas law?' i answered uncertainly.

the prof gestured that there's more elaboration to that and i was still thinking of what reasons i could come up with when suddenly...

'duhhh!!! it's pv=nrt!' the smart bum shouted out loud.

i got so pissed off that i didn't even look at her. you think i am a dumbo who has no idea what pv=nrt is??? there are more things in the ideal gas law than this simple equation. a 15 yr old student could even come up with that.

while i remained quiet, thank goodness prof elson actually told her that that's not that he meant and haha...it was that second of victory which made my day.

what's up with smartie brats these days? when they're helpless and you have the answer, they'd suck up to you like you're the queen of the country...but when it's vice versa...expect the worst out of them! not only would they desert you, they'd look at you as though you're some dirt.

thank goodness my term in london is coming to an end soon. no more loud smarty lads. but i guess every school has those people anyway. wherever i go, i will definitely bump into them.

wish me luck on exams! 1st paper will start on 28th of april and my last one will be on the 23rd of may.

back in london!

felt like london's a complete stranger to me when i came back. the dormitory's in peace and there weren't that many people when i walked down tottenham court road.

damn sony ericsson! it died on me, may it rest in peace. thank goodness i still got my us cell phone. though its reception at my dorm totally sucks, it's still pretty handy i guess.

let's see. i brought 2 mangoes from home. hope they'd curb my homesickness, which might be due in several days' time. i said hi to somebody who looked similar to my tutor. i think he believed he recognized me from somewhere too. i just asked how he was doing and he said he was fine. when i heard his voice, which didn't even sound close to tim's, i realized i had mistaken him...but never mind. a good greeting to the first person i spoke to today.

and i saw greg's sis. well, you can tell that they're siblings. same hair color and features, though greg's much bigger in size than her. (don't mean to insult him. she's a petite lady) actually am slightly confused on what to buy for roommies' graduation gifts. but since it's my first official day here in london, i think i will just sit back, read emma and listen to the radio.

london's weather is great. i will miss this city when i leave.

bratty lil bro

i thought bro's become a better man, but i think this is the phase of his life in which he is curious about women's breasts and saying the term 'idiot' has become a routine. he calls us cikutai (tai= faeces) and he would throw tantrums at his babysitter (yes, he still has a babysitter though he's already 10) if she doesn't switch on the air conditioning of his room before he comes back from school.

i think the babysitter has to go. really! i know she's been around since big bro's born, which dated about 22 years back. but many of our stuff is gone because of her. not that i mean to accuse anybody, but months after we lose our stuff, we would find them in yongma's wardrobe. yongma's obviously not the one who steals petty little things like water bottle or tupperware.

also, i think my lil bro has become so dependent on the babysitter. not only does he not pick up his dirty plate and go to the kitchen to pass it to our servant, he is so lazy to do anything. that really worries me. mom does check on him from time to time, but he behaves so well during her visits. that boy needs to be taught manners and responsibility.

i have a feeling that mom doesn't want to let go of the last 2 kids. the evidence is very clear. she doesn't allow sis to go for high school entrance test at loyola, giving excuses that it's too far from home and that it's a phase of her life in which she's very prone to bad influence. babysitter's planned to be let go when yongma's 12...oh my! i don't have anybody taking care of me since i was 10, and i didn't turn out to be a bad kid either. sometimes i wonder whether mother treats us like kids. well, i know in her eyes, we're all young adults...but when will she give us a chance to grow up? even going out with a guy for a couple of hours seems to be such a risky business.

i do hope yongma would be a more responsible guy. and i want my lil sis to be more vocal in what she wants. she doesn't seem to say a lot of things. well, i am the rebellious one, but i come to learn that not all my opinions are right. every vacation definitely brings a lot of thoughts about how my family functions.

kite runner

slight fever abruptly stops me from all other activities except lie down in bed and read a good book. the title is simply a kite runner, a book by khaled hosseini and i am just on chapter 4 now. it's about a small boy from a wealthy family, who befriends his servant's son. 2 people, from 2 different religion denominations, manage to put aside all their differences, to become friends for life. all the jitters and mockery are ignored, but i have a feeling that the servant's boy is going to die in order to protect his master.

such a contrast of 2 characters. the master's son isn't into sports, loves poetry and writing short stories, and can't fight back when a bully comes along. the servant's son is loyal, born with a cleft upper lip, able to protect the master's son with all his might, and is a good kite runner. despite his lower caste status, the servant's son is positive about life. he believes in friendship, unlike the master's son, who sometimes makes use of him or even bullies him. but he's never angry. and he feels blessed to be adopted by the master too, who provides him with his house income and treats the servant's son as his own child.

sometimes i just feel that life is so unfair. i underwent my first major operation when i was 8, the one that left a few stitches on my chin. and then came another operation when i was 10. that one truly caught my parents off guard. if they didn't act sooner, i might not have been around now. things went smoothly till 2003, when i found out there's a big fishball-size lump on my right cheek. first, we suspected that it's the side effect of removal of wisdom teeth, but it turned out to be a cyst and 2 years of regular laser treatment and a couple thousand dollars later, it's downsized. well, the scar's still there, and i am already sick and tired of going to any doctor.

i didn't accept the idea of visiting this cosmetic doc in jakarta, but since it's meant for second opinion, i just went for it. i got so rude in front of the doctor, telling him off that i was tired of having a bandage covering 1/2 of my cheek and people asking me what happened. the doc retaliated back, telling me that his method, that is using a sponge and covering it up with plastic plaster, didn't require anymore laser or injection procedure and that this method is only used by jap doctors and he's the only one who does this procedure in indonesia. i do hope this time it's going to work. the doc promises it's another 6 more months before the scar subdues and in the meantime, you guys will probably see me in bandage all the time, unless when i'm traveling or attending a function.

see...there are a few quirks that bother me too. the fact that i will probably be the shortest person in the family, the fact that i got so much hair on my tummy and armpit areas that i just hate them so much, the fact that i am so uncertain of life. what happens if i flunk any subjects for my final exams later? i might not graduate in time, but no, that's not gonna happen. the fact that i want to minor in management and that my final year would be overwhelming since i am taking management classes too. the fact that all my dear pals are already gone, either in another parts of the world, or graduated. the fact that i do envy people who are long sighted. they know what they are doing and it all comes from their hard earned money, not from their parents. i am pretty certain when i set up a business in future, i will still rely on my parents. the fact that given my strong personality, not many guys dare to approach me, lest to be my life partner in future.

it's such a mess!!! i need to be at the moment. you plan, but you don't have to think far. as long as you know what you're doing, you should be on the right track. right now, i need to concentrate on my final exams. and i do hope by the time i come back to purdue, i'm satisfied with what i've done on exams, travelled as much as i could before summer comes, finished reading kite runner and emma and be totally refreshed. sometimes being dependent on your parents, who could get really controlling, sucks.

growing up

people don't wisen up when they're older. that's harsh, but it's true, isn't it?

when we were young, we were taught the basic principles: do not steal, do not covet others, think logically, love thy siblings, and that friendship would keep us alive.

look at the people around you now. you certainly know that there's somebody out there who snatches somebody's boyfriend or girlfriend. worse, many married people do have affairs.

everybody around you tells you to drop this guy coz he's too controlling towards you, but you insist on hanging on to this relationship. result? he leaves you and you'd be crying a river, left with half empty heart that takes forever to be healed. where's thy logic?

sibling rivalry? that's normal. you always get compared to your sis or bro so that you'd be as good as them. however, as they grow up, you work your butt off to support your family, your sibling is unemployed, and constantly asks for money. what are you going to do then? you definitely are going to give him or her your money right? but there will be a silent torment deep down inside, that you and your family deserve the money more than your bro or your sis.

and look at friends around you. how many of them would stick to you even when they do not have any problems that they want you to help? think about it.

and as i was strolling down the small alley in central london, i encountered this gallery of a photographer. amazing work. he captured the pain, the happiness, the anguish of the people in his work. and i was engulfed into my own world, while time sort of came to a stop. i thought of what i would do 5 years down the road. no, seeing the divorce rate, i think marriage isn't in the book yet. work? certainly yes, i would work as much as i could, but i would love to travel around the world. photography? it would come along with me. i am trying to adapt both western and eastern cultures now. i don't think it's fair for me to work like nuts, while putting aside my dreams of doing what i want. who knows you might not see the world tomorrow. at least, you'd die happy and satisfied.

and i don't really care whether people will eventually wisen up. each one of us has our experience that teaches us not to do it again. keep up with the world's pace and i am sure you're doing just fine.

you don't know what you got until it's gone

such a familiar phrase, yes? been checking my cousin's blog and he just had a bad break up. to cut the story short, he'd been in a relationship with this girl for 2 1/2 years. (a long distance one, coz he's in china, while the girl's in bandung) it's his first relationship, and she's the first girl to accept him after rejections by others. she tolerated him telling her that he met some cute girls in school, he didn't mind her getting close to this other guy pal...and eventually, the girl fell for this guy pal and it's sayonara for my cousin.

well, i don't know my cousin and ex all that well, so i am in no position to judge. first, this is to the guys in the world---why do you keep on taunting your girlfriend about good-looking girls around? it's just a pain in the butt listening to you rambling on and on about something that we totally detest. i don't really mind when nug tells me about his high school friend whom he used to like, but if he starts comparing me to her, (which thank god, that never happens before) off my sandal flying towards his face. out of a million of topics to talk about, yet you still mention about other chicks? bah! such an insensitive brat. (in this context, i am referring to my cous)

second, i don't know whether the girl decided to be together with the new guy because she's just sick of my cous' rambles or that she feels that she's more compatible with the new guy. it's a 2-and-a-half year relationship. how could you break up with your ex and then just moved on in a split second? hmmm...maybe the basis of their relationships isn't all that stable coz they started off long distance too. or maybe this is a form of revenge towards my cous? i think this is a good lesson that my cous learns. i am thankful that the people around him are there for him, and that he decides not to do anything stupid. (well, up till now) it's silly to try to get back with somebody of your past, but i guess people do silly things when they're in love.

and i've been rude to people who are rude to me. *evil grin* went to fedex kinko's to print out my a1 size poster for this thursday's presentation and this guy was a pain in the butt! he required me to have my file in pdf, coz otherwise the arrangement of my poster might be changed. i insisted on him do the correction, coz it's just the border of my poster that's messed up. and he showed me this brochure saying that technical help would cost you 88 pounds per hour. what the hell! so i still told him to just give it a try and yes, he did it without giving me further charge. anyway, the following day, when i retrieved my poster, he asked me whether there could be further assistance he could do for me. bluntly (without realizing it) i told him, 'of course not' in which he did ask me to repeat what i was saying coz i was mumbling. but anyway, didn't feel any guilt at all. these rude people deserve being told curtly.

and i guess i've gone all classic these few days. watched pride and prejudice and cried to mr. darcy's line---'i love you. you bewitch my heart and soul'. so sweet! casablanca's superb and now i have a classic book by jane austen---emma. i think my next goal would be to try reading other jane austen's books as well as the bronte siblings' work. great!

last but not least, i am going home this weekend! yeay! sis has been counting down on my arrival. i so miss home. i need the tlc of my family members and of course...the food. the heavenly food.

feminist mel

was happily strolling along the south cloister of ucl, when i discovered that there's a poster sale. all this while, i had been eyeing on 2 particular posters, so being an impulsive me, i went to see the seller directly, described him what i wanted, and of course, he had both. 4 pounds and 50 p gone and 10 minutes later, i pulled out my theme-less previous posters and proudly hang the new ones. curious what they are? check them out!

before (all movie posters, gratis from odeon (theatre name in london)

now (the feminist side of me kicked in)

i do still sneer at the thought of seeing any couple kiss (in public especially), but when the atmosphere is conducive and the graphic is superb, i would be swooned. and audrey hepburn! my! i always gush whenever i see her images in mags. elegant, yet humble (just by looking at her), and i always like women with thick eyebrows (errr...of course not romantically, just to clarify) and i can definitely tell that there's some substance in her. strong, willful, and able to speak up for herself. a total diva i have to say.

so, it will be 3 more months before they would have to be taken off and i do hope i'd be able to bring them back to the states and post them on my new room. oh ya, there's another picture that totally astonishes me. amazing right?

tipsy mel

haha...don't be surprised. i am not all that goody two shoes kind of girl. we live only once. the chance of having the wildest experiences of our lives only comes once in a while. so when we sorta had a parting dinner with nora's sis, franny, (she looks like nora. she's slightly taller, more plump. pictures coming up soon) we decided to play the dice game. rules are pretty simple. you have 2 dice. if you have a 5 and a 2, you count it from the highest number, so it's 52. the max you can obtain is 65. and if you have double digits, that's considered as higher points than 65. if you get a 21, that's like the highest points you could get (it's called maiai in german). it's sorta like bluffing game in cards. you could deceive your neighbor. if he or she knows you're lying, you'd have to drink one shot. if you get a maiai and your neighbor doesn't trust ya, he or she would have to have 2 shots.

the guys weren't fun. 1 guy will have a class at 8 tomorrow morning. so he didn't wanna drink at all. the forfeit? told him to clean pigeon poo on nora's kitchen floor. (apparently, somebody's let the window open and a pigeon was having the best time of its life pooping around) so us girls were daring enough to drink quite a bit. and amazingly, i lost quite a lot. had at least 6 shots of a mix of vodka and gin. total alcohol. went all red and am still tipsy now. i know i wasn't being myself. but hey, i know i wouldn't do such a thing till my 21st birthday, so why not?

nug called up later. i got slightly mad at him earlier for not telling me that he went on a trip with friends. (and i had no idea whether he's going with a bunch of girls, guys or both?) i did call him at 12 midnight his time and he took so long to pick up the phone. to my disappointment, he just kept quiet and i demanded an explanation. he told me his friends were all asleep, so i was slightly pissed off and said a harsh goodbye. and he didn't call back till ages later. he got worried of me (coz i told him i was drinking) but no, i didn't vent my frustration towards him by drinking. it's just franny's returning back home tomorrow and i just wanted to have fun. no grudges.

it's my 1st time going to a bar too. it's called roxy. didn't get any drinks, got enough of them and were just dancing on the floor. (though i didn't really know how to dance) apparently, being an asian is a huge advantage. quite a few guys approached me and one guy actually twirled me around. was petrified that i'd get random kisses from these strangers, but thank god, nora saved me! had a good time dancing and the night ended pretty well actually. no, i didn't decide to go tipsy because i was mad at nug. i just wanted to get the new experience. as long as i know what i am doing, i think i am in good hands.

am waiting for nug's call now. where art thou?

saggy

*beware, this entry has sexual contents, so don't read if you aren't comfortable

was packing my stuff after swimming and you guys know that western ladies like to walk around the changing room stark naked, right? and i found something new! london women actually strap their bras from their tummy. they turn the back part of their bras to the front, strap them, turn the bras around and pull them up to their chests. how troublesome! and there's a lady beside me. she has massive chests! but the sad thing is that, they're pretty saggy and i think she's only a couple years older than me.

well, i am going to make a generalization here. this fact was supported by brave heart's scene in which william wallace was about to make love to murron. murron was a beautiful bride, but...something that would make guys disappointed was that her chests were saggy! i was actually pretty shocked while i watched that scene. *we women do look at other people's chests, just to make ourselves feel better...or worse?* and after today, i finally concluded that women with huge chests have the tendency to have the prob of saggy breasts earlier than us, the flat chested community. or maybe the force of buoyancy to hold up of chests is actually less than the force of gravity. that's why, women, do wear wiry bras, coz they'd ensure that you'd preserve those assets of yours (or scienfically, they boost up your buoyancy force :P).

and for those husbands-to-be, i really hope that when you discover that your wives don't have those of pam anderson's, please be mindful and not tell them to go for breast implants. first, it's not a 100% guaranteed process. if your wife gets an infection, the effects might be catastrophic, she might lose both assets (and i heard they smell awful if the silicone breaks apart. okay, i am getting gory now). and of course, the problem of sagginess. it's better to preserve the normal sized assets instead of enjoying the first few years of satisfaction in the new them, and then...realizing that it's too late to regret. be happy for what you have!

and it's been snowing for about 3 times. mainly just flakes, but am pretty happy to have seen snow falling on err...not cedars, the roads? can't hardly wait to meet nora's sis. wondering whether the sennett sis look alike...or there's huge difference like my sis and i?

questions

so tell me,

is it selfish to exclude the guy factor from your future?
are all friends meant to be at the moment sort of people?
once we are all at different places, are we supposed to not really bother about them?
which implies...will we not be good friends after we're separated by thousands of miles?

about the guy thing, never mind. i am just being slightly negative. it's just that we exchanged several phone calls and there seemed to be nothing worth talking about. i guess we just have the same old routine life and it's not that interesting to repetitively chat about the same old stuff. but no worries, been through that. it's not really a problem.

but the latter, that's something that i still can't accept, but i've learned to be realistic anyway. it's just so weird when friends find you when they have troubles, even though they're a continent away and they haven't chatted with you for ages. i should feel honored, for they entrust me to listen to their problems and tell them about my opinions. but then, the only thing that i ask them in return is our correspondence. i don't want to be seeked for problems only. i want to know how you're doing. it's getting slightly unnerving when the first thing they message me is 'so how are you doing with han?' well...if i do happen to have problems with nug, i will spill them up immediately. otherwise, i don't think talking about nug all the time will work, though i know that you're concerned about us. well, that's just a thought.

i don't know. maybe people are busy. maybe people aren't as good as me in terms of keeping in touch. but looking at this, i realize that the number of good pals that i have can be counted by 1 hand. but i guess, that's better. you don't need to be close to a million of people. that will never work.

swimming!

i finally got a grip of my life. got my first breakfast for the first time in 2 weeks. (though it's 5 minutes away before kitchen's closed and i merely got a piece of salty yet oily bacon) went to post office, returned the dvds, and...i went for a swim while it's 40 minutes away before my first class! did 7 laps, felt much elated after that and i was so energized to listen attentively in class. haha! i am so proud of myself!

and...swimming in the morning is just so perfect! for the fact that i swim extremely slowly and that no one's around to actually cut me off or accidentally touch my legs. and i gave the gym people a thumb's up for not cheating me! just realized there are only 28 days in the month of february, but the lady told me that i had 10 days left before my gym membership expires. yeay!

coursemates asked me whether i wanted to go ice skating today. that was 2 weeks ago. i do hope we'll go. i haven't been ice skating since 2002 and it's only 2 pounds per hour. one good memory before leaving london. what about skiing??? enough of that! no signs of snow in london, so the closest skiing place is alps and france...sigh. this is when i feel so jealous towards malaysians and singaporeans. they could go there without any visa, while i need to pay for the visa fees, wait for 2 weeks in uncertainties before going in peace.

time for my lab. ciao, bella!

reading week is coming to an end!

nah, didn't manage to get to stonehenge. but i did go to birmingham for sports' day and had a toilet break in oxford. and no, didn't see the prestigious oxford university. but university of birmingham reminded me of purdue. there's a clock tower, the union has everything that the students need, (bank, atm machines, canteens, printing store, and even a travel agency) the school complex is surrounded by greenery, exactly like purdue.

and don't talk about the games. we basically lost in every single match. i took part in basketball. three games total, all in which we were beaten 14-nil. just realized how hard it was to actually dribble, pass and try to get the ball into the basket. especially we were a 4-women-and-1-guy team, while the other schools consisted of all guys. it was fun though. many people cheered, 'ucl, ucl!' and i guess that sorta boosted our morale a lil bit though we didn't win eventually. :P

oh, i took a ride on london eye too! turned out to be a slow and boring 30 minute ride. but managed to snap some good pictures and yes...my tripod isn't collecting dust anymore. tried some restaurants claimed to have good food, but it was just normal food. and i haven't been to the gym yet! shame shame shame on me! i only have 2 more weeks to make attempts to exercise, otherwise, it's a goodbye to my precious 25 pounds.

okay, enough of this week's rambles. some good pics for you guys to enjoy!















the great big ben at dusk














london eye and thames in sephia



















u of birmingham's clock tower














do you see me?














one last picture before we left

salmon's gone

my 3 pound worth of salmon is gone. put it in common fridge and as expected, it's gone by the next day. suddenly, this brilliant idea came into mind. will buy another salmon, not refrigerate it for 3 days and put it in common fridge. let's see who makes the bathroom trips very often. but, nah...shall not do that. that's being childish. next time i buy salmon, i would eat it on the very same day. don't bother about the irkness of eating the entire packet. at least, from that point onwards, i would not touch salmon for quite a while.

and i took a stroll along the thames. passed by jubilee and westminster bridges. saw london eye, almost took a ride, but hadtotally forgotten to bring my camera. the panorama is breathtaking at night! i swore to myself that i would get back in a few days' time. saw couples bringing roses and having public intimacy. how i long to be one of them! nice weather, nice view and nice company. hmmm...

stonehenge, when will i get to see you? my tripod's collecting dust.

pastries

you guys seem to read about my woes of being in london all the time. but there's one thing that i absolutely love about london---its pastries! croissants are good and if you buy a packet of 4 at sainsbury's, it only costs you £0.48. good to go for the next 4 breakfasts. i just tried the french baguette...whoa! wonderful smell and though it's hard on the outer core, it tastes amazing! one strange thing though, brits absolutely love krispy kreme and guess what's the price for each original glazed donut? it's £0.99! wow! you can get 3 krispy kreme donuts back in indiana. huh! what a way to jack up the price just because it's an american product.

not forgetting the asian food stores in chinatown. you can find anything under the sun! the javanese brown sugar, sweet soya sauce, chilli padi, pocky pocky, spices, green tea, anything! i just made laksa out of this rather expensive instant packet manufactured by a singaporean food company and not only it tastes authentic, for the price of $5.48, you can save the entire broth for 2 meals, while you can only get a bowl of laksa in a normal restaurant. haha! seriously, the only reason that i survive in london is that it's impossible to explore for food within 9 months' time. i think i am going to make good use of my reading week searching for good, inexpensive food.

i gave up my badminton performance to the other guy. apparently, there's only 1 badminton single team for each school and since the guy looks very much interested, i'll let him play for sports' day. and i shall try to go to the gym tomorrow. it's already day 12 and i haven't been there for even once. argh! £25/30=£0.83 per day, so i've lost £10!!! but i got group meeting tomorrow at 1...hmmm, i need to wake up early then. 1 month and 1 week countdown to my going home and i don't want mom to think that i'm flabby.

how about stonehenge for this holiday? unless tomorrow's group meeting is successful, i don't think it's possible. there are so many that i want, but again, i guess 1 week of holidays is never enough.

and of course, happy valentine's day! i don't really care about this event, but am certainly going to watch what londoners do on this so-called special day.

failure

one 6 inch chicken teriyaki subway sandwich, 1 packet of mcnuggets, 1 cup of latte with vanilla shot and an hour of sleep later, i'm feeling like a junk. it's coursework time and as usual, our chemical reaction prof doesn't give us any mercy. and this time, it's possibly the hardest coursework of all. we've been fretting (and of course working on it) day and night and still, no good results come out.

for the first time since i knew greg, he finally let out a 'f***' and said that he didn't care about it anymore. nora, who's about to burst out into tears anytime soon, (though she held them back) finally gave up. she's normally the most persistent person in the group to encourage us to finish everything so that we could compare answers. and how about me? nah, i didn't say any vulgarities, nor did i shed any tears. to me, failure in getting an answer for a question is pretty normal. i experienced failures since i was thirteen. i got a 5 out of 20 for my chemistry test. i couldn't take it, sneaked into one of the school's toilet cubicles and cried silently. when i got out, i felt much better, and i knew right from that moment, i couldn't be an einstein who aced all her papers.

but of course, that doesn't mean that i would give up on every single complicated problem. giving up in chemical engineering term means death and i can't even get a b in a course if i just stop right there. true enough, i am surrounded by brilliant minds, both who presented their valediction speeches in high schools and have been doing well since. i am just a normal average student, who stumbles over simple equations coz she overlooks the problem and looks up on one of the brilliant people. (coz she's helpful, could manage between soccer practices and studies and has a hobby of running.) but in terms of accepting reality of life, i guess i am better off than both of them. i accept the consequence, and though sometimes, i might make the same mistake again, i will do my best for whatever i do. so, i have to say, there's a plus point to have experienced the tragedy of failing at the tender age of 13 instead of 20.

i'm looking forward to next week though! it's reading week! (means there's no school for a week, yay!) there's a presentation for our lab (thank goodness the previous lab was such a pain, coz the one that we did this week was simple and i didn't have to make 10 visits to ta's office hours) and trip to birmingham by the 2nd year students :D i'm going for the inter-school sports' day and i guess i will be playing badminton. (hopefully, my rusty skills won't embarrass myself) but i will swallow a big gulp of relief once this week is done. cheers!

i'm not being myself

bhad a strange dream last night. in it, i was actually attending a chinese burial ceremony. nug and his sis were there too. the deads were unknown, but they were classified as corrupts. however, since they were wealthy, the entire procedure was pretty grand. i wasn't supposed to touch any food, for it was meant for those corrupts and it wouldn't be acceptable to do that. eventually, i did eat some biscuits while no one's looking and accidentally dropped the plate. everybody pointed their fingers at me in disgust, and to my relief, the dream ended there.

maybe that dream is an omen. not about death of course, but about who i have become these days. not tolerating the hardship that i have taken here and not having anybody close around, i begin to transform myself into a mean londoner.

while nug's still here, he told me that i had changed since i came here. i used not to mind people treating me like crap and i wouldn't be irresponsible as to not pay for the bus fare. but i did all that. and i realize that my lifestyle these days sucks big time. i run away from reality by buying a lot of unnecessary things and treating myself good food. it's fine once in a while, but this habit is becoming a daily routine. i couldn't finish a journal entry, set it aside, and leave it unattended for days. i've never done that since the first time i wrote on a journal.

if you think that it's pathetic to grieve over unfinished writing, i have more reasons to say why i have such a depressing life these days. i yelled at the canteen lady for the fact that she demanded for my id, while i had it on the tray which was right in front of her. felt really guilty for that and promised that i would be less short tempered next time. out of the 4 weeks since school reopened, i had been to the dining hall less that 10 times (breakfast AND dinner) and considering that most of my classes don't start till 11, i woke up 20 minutes before class, missing out all the crisp air of the morning.

not forgetting another fact that i don't go to church anymore. i just don't. i woke up at 12, sometimes 1. (yes, you never see me do that in my entire life!) every saturday night, i pray that i will make my way to church, but i think i just put my priority on my sleep. and this proves that leisure is taking control of my life, and i can't do that!

first step that i have taken is to renew my membership with the gym club. it helps to keep on reminding yourself that you've paid 25 pounds per month for the 1 month access to sports activities. and there's experimentation, which has taken most of my time. at least, i am in school, doing some productive work, instead of being at home, chatting or sleeping away.

and yes, i am going to church this weekend. i am not going to stay up till 4 am on saturday night and come up with a bunch of nonsensical excuses so as not to go. i've missed 2 months worth of blessings, for goodness sake!

3 books are awaiting to be read and weekly newsweek should be read by the end of the week. i should do something about those. meanwhile, i should practise on my patience, again and again. (and i think i've made an entry about this long ago) having terrible teammates who care more about going home and looking at facebook pages? get them to do work! anything! just copying materials straight from the book or just making plots. don't stress yourself up by taking charge of the entire group report. you can't do it. that's why a group of 3 is needed for this.

maybe there aren't enough challenges around. maybe i just feel that there's a need to have this rebellious phase of life before getting everything straightened up. but i am trying. maybe what o handi said is right. i need to get home. to be with close family members. and after ritual talking and normal life at home, i will be back recharged and so ready to face the future.

wish me luck, pals! i won't give up.