his frail, thin 84 year old body is supported by a stainless steel cane. he would walk one step at a time, ever so slowly, with the help of a male worker. upon being seated properly on the chair, he'd ask me what time the store opened that morning. then the conversation would flow from the big tree in the opposite side of our store which has sprouted too quickly and next door neighbors, who are siblings, always argue, and do not have good sales in their store. later on, we would munch little snacks bought from the street vendor---him a jelly cake and mine spicy soy glutenous rice. the feasting session continues. candies, salty crispy snacks, sometimes accompanied by drinks made by mom. we're a team. he'd get the scissors, while i'd help cut out the sweet wrapper. he lets me take the money to count, while he'd look at the sales receipt and sign it. at times, i'd softly beat his back or pinch his arm playfully.
it's poignant to see changes in grandpa in the last 5 years. the first time he wore hearing aid. the first time he sported with a cane and misplaced it. the first time he started forgetting his grandchildren's names. the first time he wished he was dead. the first time he slurred in his chinese dialect. the first time he slept in his chair and was ready to collapse to the side.
i can't imagine life at later age without a partner whom you love (his passed away in 1975), with no hope in life, no interests or hobbies, and no one who truly cares about you beyond their duty as children. when he took $100 from the cashier, mom mouthed out profanity. i told her to let it go. the truth is everyday is already a big decision for him to be awake and alive. you don't have any agenda. you don't have anybody to talk to besides your playful granddaughter. you can only try to keep the sanctity of the big family by giving your daughter money for her child's need. why must we crib about his little act when we've been blessed with wealth? grandpa is just trying to make others see that he has self-worth.
i'm truly blessed to finally grasp christ's love for me, which is beyond the width, length, height, and depth of my understanding. it'll be important to know especially when i'm nearing the end of my journey in life. i do hope my husband would last past retirement, when children grow up and leave us empty-nesters with opportunities to rekindle the love we had 50 years ago and pursue our bucket's lists. and i do hope when i'm losing my spirit of life, i'd remember these verses:
"therefore, we do not lose heart. though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. for our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. so we fix our eyes not on what is unseen (in my own words, death, sickness, unable to do things that i used to be able to do), but on what is unseen. for what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (2 cor 16-18)
i can't wait to see how it shall turn out for me. in fact, i can't wait to see christ face to face and (fervently hope that i) let him know i have finished my race well.
