kindness of a stranger

i have to admit that 2008 started off pretty rough. missed my flight due to my stupidity of booking the flight for 12th of dec 2007 instead of 12th of jan 2008. got held up in the immigration office upon my arrival to united states. (they said it's a random security check, but why is my probability of getting this 2nd check 1? how random) luggage was completely destroyed when i got it from the baggage claim belt. (thank god they replaced it with a new one) bb's battery went dead and had to be hospitalized for a week. (plus the super expensive service fee) and...drum roll please. i lost my purse today!

do you know how bad it is to lose your purse. it's not a good idea in my case. cell phone. car key. credit cards. lmu id. driver's license. mp3 player. all gone! i had no identity. no way to enter my apartment. and couldn't even call anybody!

i began to love this school even more. the residential office girl was kind enough to lend me her cellphone to call my own phone. no one picked it up. the public safety came into rescue by letting me into my apartment. was worrying about how i should approach all different agencies to recover my things back when...(another drum roll please) a bulky public safety police knocked on my apartment door and told me that somebody had turned it in. hallelujah!

i've begun sorting my important stuff to ensure that i won't lose everything when my purse goes missing again. meanwhile, i am finding this entrepreneurship teacher to be a wonderful grampa who wants to teach us real lessons of life. tough luck on the assignments. but hell, i am getting the most out of his experiences.

cheers to 2008! more unexpected things, but i shall survive!

a trip, a wedding, and reunions

before i know it, holiday is coming to an end in 1 day's time. for some reasons, i always found that each holiday was the most memorable one right after it ended. and again, i agreed that dec 2007 holiday was fantabulous. sis and i made it solo to india. it wasn't an ambitious trip, yet it was fun learning about indian cultures and history. we didn't miss taj mahal. we learned about shah jahan, (the builder of taj) his descendants, and buildings that are tokens of appreciations after their deaths. we went vegetarian for 8 days. (and it went perfectly fine without any thoughts of fried chicken or any sort of animals)

as soon as we got home, an engagement party and a wedding were ready to be embraced by us. a time for family reunion! where all general matters like school, boyfriends, family gossips were exchanged. was impressed by how organized the wedding was. warm food kept coming and over 1500 guests didn't swarm the ballroom, so the atmosphere was airy, informal, yet its festive mood was significantly mesmerizing.

got to be close with granpa again. after all, he's an 82-year-old lonely man who seldom has visitors listening intently to him. i have to admit that i sometimes just shut down completely upon hearing repeated stories. however, that activated my creativity to ask more questions, which eventually caused him to be nostalgic of the hard times of the past. and i did learn a lot about his business strategies when he started our store in 1964. thanks a zil, granpa!

taq was in town. so was han. had food spree ranging from the sundanese seafood in kuningan to the famous alas demang grilled chicken which i hadn't had for ages. watched resident evil that gave me chronic dizziness and bloatedness. (the camera effect i suppose) fell in love with a sarcastic hindi love story called cheeny kum. (translation: less sugar) changed my perspective of the entire bollywood industry. they do have some good a++ movies and not some dancing among a group of synchronized male and female dancers.


mom had a misplaced tooth filling, which made me in charge of the store while she went to bandung for regular check-ups. finally saw the applications of what i've learned from organization behavior and marketing courses. i have some ideas of computerizing dad's slightly chaotic business plan. so excited of making things happen!


sis was definitely the highlight of this holiday. she sometimes outshone me for her maturity. we would talk about anything under the sun. relationships, what is sex?, (a pretty volatile subject considering we didn't have much clue about it) and what course she should take for her undergraduate studies. little bro has changed a lot too! peers' influence definitely caused him to utter profanity, but he's a lot more courteous and thoughtful than the last time i saw him in august.


and yeah, i made a fatal mistake of booking the flight back to la for the 12th of dec 2007 instead of 12th of jan 2008. thank goodness, the senior manager of the ticket booth was able to help me rebook the flights for the following day with an additional fee of $25. (and yes, i returned to cirebon that night. more time with family. haha!) my plan of meeting up with yuli in singapore was ruined, but i couldn't help wonder how god worked super amazingly in this case. on the way to cirebon, we had a little accident which left us unscathed. and while i am transiting in singapore now, i've been able to accrue some things that i've been intending to buy but haven't got the chance to do so. and yuli is going to pick me up when i get back to la! *how sweet it is to have events take their course*

i am going to hunt for mee pok now. it's been a while since i last had that delicious noodle bowl. :D

happy new year, everyone! i've read somewhere that this is a good year for us oxen kids!

2 cups of coffee and a good conversation shall bring friendship together :)

Photo taken at Urth Cafe, Santa Monica, CA

all things bright and beautiful

that's james herriot's book series title by the way. herriot's a passionate vet living in country side, always trying to be available to any animal emergency needs. be it long past midnight or that he didn't have the medical supplies needed, herriot would always try to cater to these animals' needs, as though they were like us human beings.

i think that the passion engraved in herriot is truly amazing. i am currently rereading purpose driven life as my small group resource. at the same time, god seems to be guiding me to the direction that involves my passion and curiosity. i could name so many things that came naturally during the past 3 months that convinced me that i was in the right place and at right time. i knew that i was shallow to think this low. but initially i thought that lmu, being a private insititution, would not care about the well being of its students. i assumed that all it has to do is teach the kids what they ought to know for college. it's like the metaphor of 'i scratch your back if you scratch mine'. i was totally wrong! i implemented my work situation to my statistics project, much to my statistics teacher's delight. she even encouraged me to consider statistical analysis for a living. i've never had a teacher who would hug me and tell me how proud he or she is of me.

the business law professor is amazing too. he not only teaches us about complicated law terms and how they function, he wants us to be ethical persons too. he invited us to write wills and asked us to edit them if we did not include those people who have contributed much to our lives. how cool is that!

my workplace can be a rough patch at times since there is a constant change of supervisors and that supervisors rely on me a lot. however, i realized that i do enjoy the tasks that i've been doing for them. besides, the statistics prof told me that what i am doing to the office right now is the practical application of the expert system mentioned in my management information system class. haha!

lmu has given me so many opportunities to utilize my skills and build my characters. granted, the students here are pretty spoilt. but i am really thankful for the transition from purdue to lmu. this 180 degree turn allows me to put aside my priority of school and take my time to reflect on the decisions that i have made in the past couple of months.

merry christmas and happy new year! i know it's a tad soon to say that, but i may not be posting any entry for the rest of the month.

ps: catholic school is cool! they had christmas lightings in 2 places on campus! i saw a santa claus surrounded by kids who sat on his lab and brought their wish lists. how cute!

vegetarianism

i am seriously considering that. but there is a catch here. i'll make some exceptions. it's okay to be a carnivore while eating out. also, i think soup tastes good with meat stock, so i won't make vegetarian soup. why a change of habit out of sudden? i guess my work supervisor influences me a lot. she's a vegan (nope, i am not going to abstain myself from eating eggs and dairy products) and she can whip up some good stir-fried vegs for lunch. i used to fear buying vegs for the fact that i can only make 1 type of stir-fried dish. it also seems impossible to finish the vegs. now that i found out that tomatoes are delish with some salt and pepper, hmmm...the thought of being 'at home vegetarian' isn't so formidable anymore. well, we shall put it into practice from next week onwards. i still have some leftover mapo tofu in the fridge.

met jay in san diego yesterday! i have to say that our friendship is always on wherever we are in the country. we don't necessary contact each other often, but when he is nearby my location, he would give me a call and we'd eventually meet somewhere. he's the only friend that i've met in 4 different states. am so glad to meet him, have a good conversation with him, and enjoy the scenery of bilboa park. (learned the definition of 'taco truck' from him. forgot to charge my camera though. tears) and now i am just looking forward to thanksgiving, another festive occasion in which i shall meet tiffo. woo hoo! wouldn't mind going to san diego again. the zoo seems impressive.

anyway, i think i have decided on the right major. marketing, it is! loving every bit of it. i got to apply my marketing concepts to my workplace too. am so excited to finish up this statistics project! am definitely thrilled to be in mba. all the projects encompass my activities in life. cheers to mba program!

nora has a bf!!

my twin american sis just called and there were a gazilion of updates from her side. and the most exciting news of all: she's got a boyfriend! there's tremendous joy deep inside me. i realized when i treasure someone so much, i would feel her joy and her pain. from the very beginning of our friendship, i never feel a pang of jealousy or envy toward her. may our friendship last forever! i am also happy that she's planning to do her graduate studies in ireland. long live our globe-trotting experience! :)

my boss is leaving this friday. so is another boss in december. things are changing constantly, but being in california for a month or so, i am starting to get over things quickly. i'm nuts about cooking these days. the spring rolls were a hit in the house and though the curry puff pastries burst out opened, they tasted pretty good overall. my next cooking experiment? banana muffins! right before megan leaves.

earth, wind, and fire

yep, that's the music group that i currently enjoy listening to. i don't pay attention to the lyrics, but their song beat is so catchy and urges you to dance along. am always looking forward to 'september' or 'let's groove' whenever i tune in to the radio station during a drive.

found a purdue alumni in my stat class! was definitely thrilled. as soon as she found out that our alma mater is the same, she immediately gave me the email address of her indonesian best bud. 'just in case if you need a job.' she said. wow, can you believe how a common ground can bring two strangers together? i think a sense of identity plays a significant part in this. hopefully i'll get to know her better over the semester.

after being nosey through friendster or blog, i found out that many of my pals broke up with their guyfriends. at the same time, a pastor brought up a good point during the sermon last sunday.

when you are listening to your significant other's woes, do you quickly try to resolve the problem? or do you simply listen to her? sometimes a woman just wants you to listen. so maybe you men should just ask you ladies this question before she starts firing up with the problem. 'honey, do you want me to listen or give my opinion?'

i think that works fairly well. considering we ladies tend to keep things to ourselves. (and let disappointment engulf ourselves) this lets the man understand your feelings and at the same time, you don't feel like you're initiating something that he is supposed to do.

cool eh?

goodbye, mrs serene ng :(

just skimmed through jl's blog when it came to my attention that our sec 3 math teacher had passed away 2 days ago due to giving birth complications.

mrs ng, may you rest in peace. god bless!

hooked by desperate housewives!

it's funny how your preoccupied thoughts caused you to entertain yourself and eventually end up watching the entire series of desperate housewives in 3 days! yeah, that's me, the guilty fellon. it's been a year and a half since i last watched the ladies and the 1st episode definitely caught my attention. you know... all the gossips, wrong perceptions, impulsive actions, and not to mention all the exaggerated romance. made me feel like i had a pat on my back coz i wasn't as silly as anyone of them. but that cheered me up. slightly picked myself up to be strong again. so is this how i am supposed to make myself feel better? by snickering at others' ludicrous actions? thank god it's just a tv series. otherwise, i would have been so caught up in it. the next series is coming this september 20th. i do hope i will have something on that day. new dosage of desperate housewives should be set aside to be effectively used for my future mood-swing periods.

oh ya, thanksgiving is going to be quite a festive coz tiffo (the owner of bunny-that-smells-so-good) will be coming to la for a visit. hurray! need to save more money! the vicious cycle with money comes again coz i'll be traveling to somewhere exotic (ask me for details) this december. can't hardly wait! made me think back of my secondary 2 year in which we were supposed to make this mega joint design-and-technology, home economics, and art project. i decided to prepare a pizza for the home economics part, do a shading of the tupperware of the shape of mickey mouse for the rest of the subjects. and the tupperware was designed with this quote: 'good food, good friends, good place, let's eat!' how true is that?

by the way, i am so happy that mike delfino and susan myers are finally together! :P

same old, same old

i am chatting with my cous who is doing her graduate studies in u of minnesota. hmmm...not that i am judging her, but after 10 years of knowing her, she still hasn't changed at all! i used to suppress my feelings, try not to grit my teeth while talking to her. and then there came a period of time in which i felt like telling her off that i simply didn't like her. that i was done with her and i didn't want to see her face. ever. again. but i realized that's wrong. so i resorted to talking to small group friends instead. it helped a great deal to talk to people whom you're most comfy with. and then i learned to forgive. but over time due to parents' hearsay about how great she was and all that, i had the same deja vu intolerant attitude.

so i dared myself to initiate a conversation with her through msn after she sent me a friendster message a few days ago. all about me, me, me. and yes, i was trying not to grit my teeth. and then something hit my puny head. hard. real hard. and in fact, this thing has been hitting my head since i talked to my small group buddies, or firo, or dear roommie, or han. a person who is all about me, or who tries to gain people's attention, is a person who has plenty of insecurities. and i, being infuriated by a person's insecurities? i am insecured myself! oh. my. goodness! silly old me!

change within a person comes from the person herself. what you have to do is show her god's grace. ask why she does things in certain manner. direct her toward the right path. pray for her. and not pray for yourself for trying to like her. if you're doing the latter, you're being selfish. the gospel isn't about self-help. it's about showing god's love for anyone. even your enemies.

i am relieved. and freed. am also glad that i found a home church. (the pastor's wife's name is melissa! kakaka) happy to have found a good friend. certainly delighted to meet my cousin (another one) and yes, my phone has signal in the apartment! what more can i ask? :P

onecard

one of these days, i am so going to lose my student id. indeed, there's a purpose behind naming our student id onecard. it's the one card that allows you to buy anything in school just by 1 swipe. (yep, without any authorization. well, there's a picture of ya on it. but it's still not very helpful) it's also the one and only access to my apartment. well, there's an additional security of a password. otherwise, this campus is going to be a pandemonium.

i have to admit that it's quite frightening to own it. it's just a piece of card, not a collection of keys. if you grab it, soon enough you will forget that you're holding it. you might drop it on the way to school. i've tried to put it in my purse. not a good idea. what happens if i lose my entire wallet? not only do i lose my driver's license and credit cards, i would lose the access to the one place that i feel safe. so i decided to use a cardholder to keep it. still not quite a good idea. the cardholder is still so slim that it can sneak beneath my daily planner or textbooks. i am starting to run out of ideas. but if it's inevitable, i will just use a passholder and hang it over my neck. in the meantime, i am still using the cardholder. i just make a point to myself each day that once i arrive home, the cardholder should go right back to my bagpack.

with regards to my loss of memory over where i put my stuff, i am beginning to accept the fact that my memory power has deteriorated. and it does bother me a lot. sometimes i would ask myself some trivia questions which i could easily answer 2 years back. but it's completely blank now. once i read cnn's article about fidel castro. i definitely knew where he came from. it's starting with the letter c. but what's that country's name? argh!!! it's killing me. and i decided to cut the chase and googled it down. relief immediately surged through me when i found out that it's cuba.

friends, it's not only that. it took me sometime to even remember names of people i just knew this summer. (and all this while i kept complaining that my 81-year-old granpa always repeated himself!) and yes, i am ashamed of that. but i am willing to learn it the hard way. i would cringe and ponder about it. (i thought about the name of one of the teletubbies characters for a night. it didn't resurface that day. instead, it suddenly popped up in my mind a couple of days later) just in case if you are having the same problem as i am, here's a good head start: try to remember the first letter of that particular name or object. once, i completely forgot where my friend, sam, came from. and as soon as i found out it's ecuador, i just stored the first alphabet, e into my brain. whenever i recall back about this, i could immediately know it's ecuador. try it! i don't know about the effectiveness of ginko biloba, but i think i need to consume some of it.

mom gave me this big jar of fiber to be consumed before sleeping so that my digestion system would be clean. (well, there's another reason besides that: my shape that has become more voluptious these days worried her) as it turned out, i think i completely lose my appetite. nothing tastes good! threw the noodles that i bought from the indonesian restaurant. cooked a little to stock up for the next few days, but the tupperwares went untouched. i'm starting to doubt this fiber thing. don't tell me it not only makes me lose my appetite, but also my memory. gosh! i'm definitely paranoid!

but regardless of the fiber or the memory loss, i am happy to say that i am in touch with books again! such a pity that i didn't read amy tan's books before her visit to purdue last november. she's a brilliant writer! she describes the chinese cultures and traditions so vividly in her plots in such a way that you can instantly nod in unison. i don't like to say this, but i am blessed to be born in this generation of chinese family. my family's conservative thinking annoys me from time to time, but if i were born 80 years ago, there's no way i could even have a dinner with a guy friend. gasp! praise god that it's an era of globalization.

and out of boredom, i traced back some emails from a few friends. i learned a lot about how ignorant i was. i once told han that it would take him an extra mile to please my family because of his look. man! what a hurtful comment! it's good that he didn't scurry away. and yes, i learned to forgive. the friend that drifted apart? i emailed her and asked how she was doing. i do hope she will reply. wow. there is only 1 word to describe these circumstances: sankofa. (a word that i learned from st. louis urban project) it's a swahili word meaning 'looking back in order to go forward.'

hmmm...how true that is.

and yes, i had to look through my citylights folder to recall the word 'sankofa'. time for me to use the technique that i told you about. s...s...s!

los angeles

school starts today and my first class will be in 1 1/2 hour's time.

how's la, you may ask. i am still not used to the traffic. it's a good decision that i decided to live on campus. where 1 end of the campus to another end is only 15 minutes away. campus is a lot smaller than that of purdue. where each department is isolated from the rest of lmu. everytime i ask where i shall inquire for fees, all of them will direct me to the student accounts department. all my classes are in the evenings and i spend a lot of time in the study abroad office in the mornings.

yes, there's indonesian store and i've eaten in an indonesian restaurant. am getting used to having a roommie in my room. she's majoring in screenwriting, an unusual person who gets up early in the morning and jogs, (or maybe she's jetlagged since she just flew down from connecticut 3 days ago) who listens to classical music, yet presents herself like a gothic chick. the other roommies? nice peeps from midwest area as well. (haha! sudden surge of people moving to west coast after their undergrad) in fact, jenn used to be an engineer and she is in mba program! too many coincidences!

oh ya, i might have to switch service provider in a week's time. cingular apparently doesn't raise the bar in our apartment (which is located in basement area) and mom's going to pounce on me if i don't pick up the phone all the time. might get the chance to meet with my penpal whom i've never met all this while.

in conclusion, the transition's not as hard as my move to london 2 years back. but am still wondering why people are so nice in a big metropolitan city like la? i shall find the answer soon enough.

good start!!!

heard from all sources that granpa is a tough cookie to work with, but everything went well!!! i was a little sleepy after lunch, but talking to granpa and the co-workers definitely helped curb my sleepiness. hmmm...granpa's deterioration in memory and hearing actually worries me. he could ask the same question 3 times within the span of 45 minutes! but thank goodness i made out this game of remembering all his 13 grandchildren. and he seemed to enjoy it! am gonna do that tomorrow. i want him to start remembering some of his grandchildren whom he comes into contact everyday. (and yes, i am glad to say that he remembers all four of us who live under same roof as he does)

i still need to do the cross-stitched bookmark. am getting lazy to do it these days. and another good news---ci pie2, an old pal of mine, will be in town during the weekend. yeee haw!!! finally a conversation with somebody whom i haven't talked to for ages. oh yaaa...i was reading gerald's cous' blog. am so thankful that she finally realizes what priorities come first.

i am definitely very joyful now. but i think i need to spend some quality time with sis. she's going through this rebellious phase and i want to be there for her. oh ya...a candid shot of myself doing some thinking. cool eh?

lost my collection of letters

i always make a point to revisit my old drawer whenever i am home. it brings so many good old memories and no doubt my mind will wander off to those times. but i was frustrated to find my collection of letters which i have kept since 1996 was gone! totally disappeared without a trace! mad at mom for moving my stuff from 1 drawer to another. mad at myself for letting the bag of letters be gone. argh! friendship letters, birthday cards, encouragement postcards...where art thou??? they may not mean much to anybody in the house, but i do treasure each one of them. bah! can't stop grieving over them.

at the same time, my heart isn't at rest. i keep on hoping, to the point of obsession. i know it's not going to happen, but why do i keep on yearning for it fervently? glad that mom and pop are gone for 2 days. i can make myself busy in the store and try to set aside all these pestering thoughts.

it's weird how human beings think. when we're stuck in a moment, we want to get out of it as soon as possible. but when it's over, we want to revisit it again. right now, how i wish i were in st louis, spending every minute with my citylights mates. true, there is drama, there is tension, and i can't help to be frustrated from time to time. but i can completely feel His presence among my teammates, gerry, or the kids i worked with. now that i am in an environment whereby many people don't know Him, my faith seems to be staggering. Lord, let me know You are here. I need ya desperately.

the face of exuberant fresh graduate :P

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do,
and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy was terrible.
It was already late enough,
and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly recognized as your own,
that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world,
determined to do the only thing you could do --
determined to save the only life you could save.

-Mary Oliver

what next?

as i am really really approaching the last few days of my college years, i'm taking a risk again. i decided not to buy a plane ticket home. there's this 7-week program called citylights in st. louis, missouri, in which the people taking part will be building churches, getting used to the daily life of people in lower social class, and interacting with those who are less fortunate than them. i think this is a good opportunity for me to get the feel of how it's like to be one of them. it will open my eyes to see what areas i shall pursue to help those needy people back in indo. so far, firos told me that all positions for the program have been filled, but the director mentioned that there might be a withdrawal. i do hope he will give me a call soon.

mom and dad will be coming this weekend! so excited!!! yes, i think i will return home even if i get accepted by this program. mom's very particular about me going home every holiday, and i shall listen since it makes her happy. well, at the same, i get to see my bro and sis, one of the things aside of food and relaxation time to look forward to.

anyway, mel's having these mixed feelings about parting goodbye again. the senior banquet last week really gave me a sense of belonging to che. i am so gonna miss that dirty computer lab. the huge g140 lecture note. hillhouse and his theory of condensation through the example of making out. (ask me for details) my dynamic senior design team. kim. megan. (feel sad for her sis' death :( but am glad that she was fine when i saw her during the banquet) one last chance to see these wonderful people, that is on the commencement day. and i am not sure whether we shall meet again.

here are some pics to make you guys laugh! two of the seniors' masterpieces to make fun of our professors. enjoy!

seeing things in a big picture

my rocky relationship with chemical engineering is about to come to an end in 3 weeks' time and the past few days have been difficult. i haven't been able to sleep well, and i feel that i haven't been able to contribute to my senior design group as much as my teammates.

you know how i detest the groupthink concept while being in a group. you think that there are 4 people in your group and thus you decide to slack off coz your effort to the group is intagible anyway. i was happy to be in a dynamic team in which this was the very first time we did a project for 14 straight hours with pulled determination to get it done early. but as the second project progresses, i feel that i actually adapt the groupthink concept. another thing that tickles me is the fact that my fundamental knowledge on separation and heat and mass transfer is terrible. i am petrified to do the flowsheets on my own, afraid that i would make stupid mistakes of unit conversion or mass balance errors. that's why i choose to stick to economic analysis. and i think that it's not very fair for the other 3 teammates who already work so hard for the main gees of the project---the flowsheet design.

anyway, aside of the demoralization over my lack of contribution to the senior design team, i was also apprehended by the senior lab work. again, i never regretted my decision of going to england for my junior year, but i missed out a great deal of real life applications of what i learned in third year. uk's education system doesn't shape you to become a great chemical engineer. you are spoon-fed with a chunk of information in which you will just throw out during the finals. you don't have to remember a thing after that and sadly, information is lost coz your memory space isn't that much anyway. back to senior design lab, after jake's (my teammate, who's the leader this time) oral presentation, our supervisor actually told us that we had a lot of work to do, though we were on the right track. kim (another teammate) suggested that we should meet sometime the next day to work on the design, (just my part actually, but she wanted to ensure that everybody could help me in any means) but jake immediately dismissed the idea, saying that we still had a week and a half to think about it.

i was a little appalled when kim actually told jake off that she and i wanted to get this report done asap, so that we could work on our senior design without having to juggle between the two. i never saw anybody who would defend me and try to help me out as much other than nors. the next day, (which is today) jake didn't come to the meeting. we progressed a lot and that actually gave me hope that i could do well for this report. by the end of the meeting, i asked kim why she wanted to stay back and help me in the design, while she could just choose to walk away and not worry about me. her reply actually touched me.

"you helped me out so much in the last report. without you, i don't think i could finish it."

the thing is that i didn't help her that much. i just did some of her sections regarding safety issues of the process and proof-read her section. wow! how amazing how little thing that you do which gives such a deep impact to others. this gives me hope to rekindle my relationship with chemical engineering.

on another note, my organizational behavior class was talking about stress management yesterday. hmmm...if i think of my life in a big picture for the time being, i realize that god has been providing me in so many ways. he makes me go through late nights working on those excel spreadsheets. he tells me how i should cope on my stressors. and best part of all, he gives me encouragement and resources through my dynamic senior design teammates and of course, kim. oh ya...not forgetting nors' easter card which brightened my day yesterday.

reminds me of my small group's inductive bible study last weekend. it's psalm 23.

"...though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will fear no evil. for you are with me. your rod and your staff, they comfort me."

now do you guys see how he actually shows me the big picture?

a touch of insensitivity

there's a very thin line between being insensitive and frank. and i finally learned about this concept today.

i normally snap at people who have differing opinions from mine, which most of the time i don't quite regret doing. but i felt a jab of guilt when i did this today. i knew i was wrong, yet i dared not apologize. my words were sharp. and i am sure that most close pals totally understand me. but i wonder how much frustration they have to go through. a few people confronted me about this, and i tried to be better. but it seems that anything that will actually touch my sensitive feelings, i would retort back with words that are so indespicable. this is a vicious cycle. snap, regret, normal, back to being snappy again. am glad that i recognized this problem now.

and another thing that i hate about myself: bad-mouthing. come on! this is the stage of my life in which this sort of childish behavior shall be exterminated. i love moa2 to death. i just hate her negativity. she seems to suck all my energy and her dramatization just shuts me down once she talks about something incessantly. and i tried to tell her. but she's really good at arguments and i've given up to tell her the other side of the story. so my last resort? i bad-mouthed her to davido, which is a terrible, terrible idea for davido is our good pal. i could choose to keep quiet and bury all these details to myself. but a part of me has erupted, wanting to have somebody who understood moa2 well to be on my side. what an evil being i am. and there's weird complication like love triangle tale which doesn't make sense. i can't seem to be honest to both parties. this is definitely driving me crazy!

i need to get back to my hermit shell. not in terms of my social life, for i've already gone sabbatical for a while. i just need to keep my mouth shut and be a better listener. i never want to be a two-faced and it sucks when you do that from time to time.

reminiscing the good old times

i was killing time before my 0430 class when i browsed through my picture folder. wow. church friend's wedding picture back in 2004. orlando trip *again* back in 04. yongma's baby picture. my dramatic performance in indofest when i was a sophomore. (and my one and only major contribution to the indonesian student association here) and i can see how i've changed over the period of 3 to 4 years. i used to be friendly to everyone. i could deal with small talks with anybody under the sun. now, ask me to interact with people i hardly know and i will sulk. and i've loosened up a little bit. i used to be so easily disappointed by people for the fact that i was a people-pleaser and i did expect something back. i learned to let go. granted, my friends have dwindled over the years, but i am so very glad that i've kept some of the most precious one.

so, is this a bad change? i gotta say for the most part of it, i am okay. i decided not to go for the mass graduation dinner thing for the fact that i do not know 3/4 of the people in the ball room. selfish? yes. i'd rather spend money on those who personally know me. i do need to work on being the active one to approach people once in a while, instead of just waiting to be called on. i kinda pity qing who's been trying real hard to try to talk to me. i'm not quite making excuses to myself to be active, but this is my last semester, in which i wanna spend my time with dearest ones. and she always thinks that i am not participating much in icf. argh!!!

and i managed to call a pen pal of mine whom i've been writing to both online and offline, yet never met at all. i was afraid that i would run out of topics, but boy...we clicked on really well. i do hope that i'll get to see pau soon. i am sure we'll talk relentlessly until the dusk sets in.

and yes, i thank you guys for the friendship that's been lasting for at least 3 years or so. you guys are great :)