goodbye, mrs serene ng :(

just skimmed through jl's blog when it came to my attention that our sec 3 math teacher had passed away 2 days ago due to giving birth complications.

mrs ng, may you rest in peace. god bless!

hooked by desperate housewives!

it's funny how your preoccupied thoughts caused you to entertain yourself and eventually end up watching the entire series of desperate housewives in 3 days! yeah, that's me, the guilty fellon. it's been a year and a half since i last watched the ladies and the 1st episode definitely caught my attention. you know... all the gossips, wrong perceptions, impulsive actions, and not to mention all the exaggerated romance. made me feel like i had a pat on my back coz i wasn't as silly as anyone of them. but that cheered me up. slightly picked myself up to be strong again. so is this how i am supposed to make myself feel better? by snickering at others' ludicrous actions? thank god it's just a tv series. otherwise, i would have been so caught up in it. the next series is coming this september 20th. i do hope i will have something on that day. new dosage of desperate housewives should be set aside to be effectively used for my future mood-swing periods.

oh ya, thanksgiving is going to be quite a festive coz tiffo (the owner of bunny-that-smells-so-good) will be coming to la for a visit. hurray! need to save more money! the vicious cycle with money comes again coz i'll be traveling to somewhere exotic (ask me for details) this december. can't hardly wait! made me think back of my secondary 2 year in which we were supposed to make this mega joint design-and-technology, home economics, and art project. i decided to prepare a pizza for the home economics part, do a shading of the tupperware of the shape of mickey mouse for the rest of the subjects. and the tupperware was designed with this quote: 'good food, good friends, good place, let's eat!' how true is that?

by the way, i am so happy that mike delfino and susan myers are finally together! :P

same old, same old

i am chatting with my cous who is doing her graduate studies in u of minnesota. hmmm...not that i am judging her, but after 10 years of knowing her, she still hasn't changed at all! i used to suppress my feelings, try not to grit my teeth while talking to her. and then there came a period of time in which i felt like telling her off that i simply didn't like her. that i was done with her and i didn't want to see her face. ever. again. but i realized that's wrong. so i resorted to talking to small group friends instead. it helped a great deal to talk to people whom you're most comfy with. and then i learned to forgive. but over time due to parents' hearsay about how great she was and all that, i had the same deja vu intolerant attitude.

so i dared myself to initiate a conversation with her through msn after she sent me a friendster message a few days ago. all about me, me, me. and yes, i was trying not to grit my teeth. and then something hit my puny head. hard. real hard. and in fact, this thing has been hitting my head since i talked to my small group buddies, or firo, or dear roommie, or han. a person who is all about me, or who tries to gain people's attention, is a person who has plenty of insecurities. and i, being infuriated by a person's insecurities? i am insecured myself! oh. my. goodness! silly old me!

change within a person comes from the person herself. what you have to do is show her god's grace. ask why she does things in certain manner. direct her toward the right path. pray for her. and not pray for yourself for trying to like her. if you're doing the latter, you're being selfish. the gospel isn't about self-help. it's about showing god's love for anyone. even your enemies.

i am relieved. and freed. am also glad that i found a home church. (the pastor's wife's name is melissa! kakaka) happy to have found a good friend. certainly delighted to meet my cousin (another one) and yes, my phone has signal in the apartment! what more can i ask? :P

onecard

one of these days, i am so going to lose my student id. indeed, there's a purpose behind naming our student id onecard. it's the one card that allows you to buy anything in school just by 1 swipe. (yep, without any authorization. well, there's a picture of ya on it. but it's still not very helpful) it's also the one and only access to my apartment. well, there's an additional security of a password. otherwise, this campus is going to be a pandemonium.

i have to admit that it's quite frightening to own it. it's just a piece of card, not a collection of keys. if you grab it, soon enough you will forget that you're holding it. you might drop it on the way to school. i've tried to put it in my purse. not a good idea. what happens if i lose my entire wallet? not only do i lose my driver's license and credit cards, i would lose the access to the one place that i feel safe. so i decided to use a cardholder to keep it. still not quite a good idea. the cardholder is still so slim that it can sneak beneath my daily planner or textbooks. i am starting to run out of ideas. but if it's inevitable, i will just use a passholder and hang it over my neck. in the meantime, i am still using the cardholder. i just make a point to myself each day that once i arrive home, the cardholder should go right back to my bagpack.

with regards to my loss of memory over where i put my stuff, i am beginning to accept the fact that my memory power has deteriorated. and it does bother me a lot. sometimes i would ask myself some trivia questions which i could easily answer 2 years back. but it's completely blank now. once i read cnn's article about fidel castro. i definitely knew where he came from. it's starting with the letter c. but what's that country's name? argh!!! it's killing me. and i decided to cut the chase and googled it down. relief immediately surged through me when i found out that it's cuba.

friends, it's not only that. it took me sometime to even remember names of people i just knew this summer. (and all this while i kept complaining that my 81-year-old granpa always repeated himself!) and yes, i am ashamed of that. but i am willing to learn it the hard way. i would cringe and ponder about it. (i thought about the name of one of the teletubbies characters for a night. it didn't resurface that day. instead, it suddenly popped up in my mind a couple of days later) just in case if you are having the same problem as i am, here's a good head start: try to remember the first letter of that particular name or object. once, i completely forgot where my friend, sam, came from. and as soon as i found out it's ecuador, i just stored the first alphabet, e into my brain. whenever i recall back about this, i could immediately know it's ecuador. try it! i don't know about the effectiveness of ginko biloba, but i think i need to consume some of it.

mom gave me this big jar of fiber to be consumed before sleeping so that my digestion system would be clean. (well, there's another reason besides that: my shape that has become more voluptious these days worried her) as it turned out, i think i completely lose my appetite. nothing tastes good! threw the noodles that i bought from the indonesian restaurant. cooked a little to stock up for the next few days, but the tupperwares went untouched. i'm starting to doubt this fiber thing. don't tell me it not only makes me lose my appetite, but also my memory. gosh! i'm definitely paranoid!

but regardless of the fiber or the memory loss, i am happy to say that i am in touch with books again! such a pity that i didn't read amy tan's books before her visit to purdue last november. she's a brilliant writer! she describes the chinese cultures and traditions so vividly in her plots in such a way that you can instantly nod in unison. i don't like to say this, but i am blessed to be born in this generation of chinese family. my family's conservative thinking annoys me from time to time, but if i were born 80 years ago, there's no way i could even have a dinner with a guy friend. gasp! praise god that it's an era of globalization.

and out of boredom, i traced back some emails from a few friends. i learned a lot about how ignorant i was. i once told han that it would take him an extra mile to please my family because of his look. man! what a hurtful comment! it's good that he didn't scurry away. and yes, i learned to forgive. the friend that drifted apart? i emailed her and asked how she was doing. i do hope she will reply. wow. there is only 1 word to describe these circumstances: sankofa. (a word that i learned from st. louis urban project) it's a swahili word meaning 'looking back in order to go forward.'

hmmm...how true that is.

and yes, i had to look through my citylights folder to recall the word 'sankofa'. time for me to use the technique that i told you about. s...s...s!

los angeles

school starts today and my first class will be in 1 1/2 hour's time.

how's la, you may ask. i am still not used to the traffic. it's a good decision that i decided to live on campus. where 1 end of the campus to another end is only 15 minutes away. campus is a lot smaller than that of purdue. where each department is isolated from the rest of lmu. everytime i ask where i shall inquire for fees, all of them will direct me to the student accounts department. all my classes are in the evenings and i spend a lot of time in the study abroad office in the mornings.

yes, there's indonesian store and i've eaten in an indonesian restaurant. am getting used to having a roommie in my room. she's majoring in screenwriting, an unusual person who gets up early in the morning and jogs, (or maybe she's jetlagged since she just flew down from connecticut 3 days ago) who listens to classical music, yet presents herself like a gothic chick. the other roommies? nice peeps from midwest area as well. (haha! sudden surge of people moving to west coast after their undergrad) in fact, jenn used to be an engineer and she is in mba program! too many coincidences!

oh ya, i might have to switch service provider in a week's time. cingular apparently doesn't raise the bar in our apartment (which is located in basement area) and mom's going to pounce on me if i don't pick up the phone all the time. might get the chance to meet with my penpal whom i've never met all this while.

in conclusion, the transition's not as hard as my move to london 2 years back. but am still wondering why people are so nice in a big metropolitan city like la? i shall find the answer soon enough.

good start!!!

heard from all sources that granpa is a tough cookie to work with, but everything went well!!! i was a little sleepy after lunch, but talking to granpa and the co-workers definitely helped curb my sleepiness. hmmm...granpa's deterioration in memory and hearing actually worries me. he could ask the same question 3 times within the span of 45 minutes! but thank goodness i made out this game of remembering all his 13 grandchildren. and he seemed to enjoy it! am gonna do that tomorrow. i want him to start remembering some of his grandchildren whom he comes into contact everyday. (and yes, i am glad to say that he remembers all four of us who live under same roof as he does)

i still need to do the cross-stitched bookmark. am getting lazy to do it these days. and another good news---ci pie2, an old pal of mine, will be in town during the weekend. yeee haw!!! finally a conversation with somebody whom i haven't talked to for ages. oh yaaa...i was reading gerald's cous' blog. am so thankful that she finally realizes what priorities come first.

i am definitely very joyful now. but i think i need to spend some quality time with sis. she's going through this rebellious phase and i want to be there for her. oh ya...a candid shot of myself doing some thinking. cool eh?

lost my collection of letters

i always make a point to revisit my old drawer whenever i am home. it brings so many good old memories and no doubt my mind will wander off to those times. but i was frustrated to find my collection of letters which i have kept since 1996 was gone! totally disappeared without a trace! mad at mom for moving my stuff from 1 drawer to another. mad at myself for letting the bag of letters be gone. argh! friendship letters, birthday cards, encouragement postcards...where art thou??? they may not mean much to anybody in the house, but i do treasure each one of them. bah! can't stop grieving over them.

at the same time, my heart isn't at rest. i keep on hoping, to the point of obsession. i know it's not going to happen, but why do i keep on yearning for it fervently? glad that mom and pop are gone for 2 days. i can make myself busy in the store and try to set aside all these pestering thoughts.

it's weird how human beings think. when we're stuck in a moment, we want to get out of it as soon as possible. but when it's over, we want to revisit it again. right now, how i wish i were in st louis, spending every minute with my citylights mates. true, there is drama, there is tension, and i can't help to be frustrated from time to time. but i can completely feel His presence among my teammates, gerry, or the kids i worked with. now that i am in an environment whereby many people don't know Him, my faith seems to be staggering. Lord, let me know You are here. I need ya desperately.

the face of exuberant fresh graduate :P

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do,
and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy was terrible.
It was already late enough,
and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly recognized as your own,
that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world,
determined to do the only thing you could do --
determined to save the only life you could save.

-Mary Oliver

what next?

as i am really really approaching the last few days of my college years, i'm taking a risk again. i decided not to buy a plane ticket home. there's this 7-week program called citylights in st. louis, missouri, in which the people taking part will be building churches, getting used to the daily life of people in lower social class, and interacting with those who are less fortunate than them. i think this is a good opportunity for me to get the feel of how it's like to be one of them. it will open my eyes to see what areas i shall pursue to help those needy people back in indo. so far, firos told me that all positions for the program have been filled, but the director mentioned that there might be a withdrawal. i do hope he will give me a call soon.

mom and dad will be coming this weekend! so excited!!! yes, i think i will return home even if i get accepted by this program. mom's very particular about me going home every holiday, and i shall listen since it makes her happy. well, at the same, i get to see my bro and sis, one of the things aside of food and relaxation time to look forward to.

anyway, mel's having these mixed feelings about parting goodbye again. the senior banquet last week really gave me a sense of belonging to che. i am so gonna miss that dirty computer lab. the huge g140 lecture note. hillhouse and his theory of condensation through the example of making out. (ask me for details) my dynamic senior design team. kim. megan. (feel sad for her sis' death :( but am glad that she was fine when i saw her during the banquet) one last chance to see these wonderful people, that is on the commencement day. and i am not sure whether we shall meet again.

here are some pics to make you guys laugh! two of the seniors' masterpieces to make fun of our professors. enjoy!

seeing things in a big picture

my rocky relationship with chemical engineering is about to come to an end in 3 weeks' time and the past few days have been difficult. i haven't been able to sleep well, and i feel that i haven't been able to contribute to my senior design group as much as my teammates.

you know how i detest the groupthink concept while being in a group. you think that there are 4 people in your group and thus you decide to slack off coz your effort to the group is intagible anyway. i was happy to be in a dynamic team in which this was the very first time we did a project for 14 straight hours with pulled determination to get it done early. but as the second project progresses, i feel that i actually adapt the groupthink concept. another thing that tickles me is the fact that my fundamental knowledge on separation and heat and mass transfer is terrible. i am petrified to do the flowsheets on my own, afraid that i would make stupid mistakes of unit conversion or mass balance errors. that's why i choose to stick to economic analysis. and i think that it's not very fair for the other 3 teammates who already work so hard for the main gees of the project---the flowsheet design.

anyway, aside of the demoralization over my lack of contribution to the senior design team, i was also apprehended by the senior lab work. again, i never regretted my decision of going to england for my junior year, but i missed out a great deal of real life applications of what i learned in third year. uk's education system doesn't shape you to become a great chemical engineer. you are spoon-fed with a chunk of information in which you will just throw out during the finals. you don't have to remember a thing after that and sadly, information is lost coz your memory space isn't that much anyway. back to senior design lab, after jake's (my teammate, who's the leader this time) oral presentation, our supervisor actually told us that we had a lot of work to do, though we were on the right track. kim (another teammate) suggested that we should meet sometime the next day to work on the design, (just my part actually, but she wanted to ensure that everybody could help me in any means) but jake immediately dismissed the idea, saying that we still had a week and a half to think about it.

i was a little appalled when kim actually told jake off that she and i wanted to get this report done asap, so that we could work on our senior design without having to juggle between the two. i never saw anybody who would defend me and try to help me out as much other than nors. the next day, (which is today) jake didn't come to the meeting. we progressed a lot and that actually gave me hope that i could do well for this report. by the end of the meeting, i asked kim why she wanted to stay back and help me in the design, while she could just choose to walk away and not worry about me. her reply actually touched me.

"you helped me out so much in the last report. without you, i don't think i could finish it."

the thing is that i didn't help her that much. i just did some of her sections regarding safety issues of the process and proof-read her section. wow! how amazing how little thing that you do which gives such a deep impact to others. this gives me hope to rekindle my relationship with chemical engineering.

on another note, my organizational behavior class was talking about stress management yesterday. hmmm...if i think of my life in a big picture for the time being, i realize that god has been providing me in so many ways. he makes me go through late nights working on those excel spreadsheets. he tells me how i should cope on my stressors. and best part of all, he gives me encouragement and resources through my dynamic senior design teammates and of course, kim. oh ya...not forgetting nors' easter card which brightened my day yesterday.

reminds me of my small group's inductive bible study last weekend. it's psalm 23.

"...though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will fear no evil. for you are with me. your rod and your staff, they comfort me."

now do you guys see how he actually shows me the big picture?

a touch of insensitivity

there's a very thin line between being insensitive and frank. and i finally learned about this concept today.

i normally snap at people who have differing opinions from mine, which most of the time i don't quite regret doing. but i felt a jab of guilt when i did this today. i knew i was wrong, yet i dared not apologize. my words were sharp. and i am sure that most close pals totally understand me. but i wonder how much frustration they have to go through. a few people confronted me about this, and i tried to be better. but it seems that anything that will actually touch my sensitive feelings, i would retort back with words that are so indespicable. this is a vicious cycle. snap, regret, normal, back to being snappy again. am glad that i recognized this problem now.

and another thing that i hate about myself: bad-mouthing. come on! this is the stage of my life in which this sort of childish behavior shall be exterminated. i love moa2 to death. i just hate her negativity. she seems to suck all my energy and her dramatization just shuts me down once she talks about something incessantly. and i tried to tell her. but she's really good at arguments and i've given up to tell her the other side of the story. so my last resort? i bad-mouthed her to davido, which is a terrible, terrible idea for davido is our good pal. i could choose to keep quiet and bury all these details to myself. but a part of me has erupted, wanting to have somebody who understood moa2 well to be on my side. what an evil being i am. and there's weird complication like love triangle tale which doesn't make sense. i can't seem to be honest to both parties. this is definitely driving me crazy!

i need to get back to my hermit shell. not in terms of my social life, for i've already gone sabbatical for a while. i just need to keep my mouth shut and be a better listener. i never want to be a two-faced and it sucks when you do that from time to time.

reminiscing the good old times

i was killing time before my 0430 class when i browsed through my picture folder. wow. church friend's wedding picture back in 2004. orlando trip *again* back in 04. yongma's baby picture. my dramatic performance in indofest when i was a sophomore. (and my one and only major contribution to the indonesian student association here) and i can see how i've changed over the period of 3 to 4 years. i used to be friendly to everyone. i could deal with small talks with anybody under the sun. now, ask me to interact with people i hardly know and i will sulk. and i've loosened up a little bit. i used to be so easily disappointed by people for the fact that i was a people-pleaser and i did expect something back. i learned to let go. granted, my friends have dwindled over the years, but i am so very glad that i've kept some of the most precious one.

so, is this a bad change? i gotta say for the most part of it, i am okay. i decided not to go for the mass graduation dinner thing for the fact that i do not know 3/4 of the people in the ball room. selfish? yes. i'd rather spend money on those who personally know me. i do need to work on being the active one to approach people once in a while, instead of just waiting to be called on. i kinda pity qing who's been trying real hard to try to talk to me. i'm not quite making excuses to myself to be active, but this is my last semester, in which i wanna spend my time with dearest ones. and she always thinks that i am not participating much in icf. argh!!!

and i managed to call a pen pal of mine whom i've been writing to both online and offline, yet never met at all. i was afraid that i would run out of topics, but boy...we clicked on really well. i do hope that i'll get to see pau soon. i am sure we'll talk relentlessly until the dusk sets in.

and yes, i thank you guys for the friendship that's been lasting for at least 3 years or so. you guys are great :)

valentine's day!!!

yesterday morn's snow storm caused school to be cancelled for a day. the good news: my exam's postponed till thursday. considering i haven't finished studying for it, i am definitely thankful. :P bad news: well, not much actually. except for the fact that i have to shovel the snow off bb when i take him out tomorrow. hope the weather's conducive enough for me to drive around.

so what's my plan for v'day? hmmm...both cheetah and i have already laid the best plan. we're planning to go for a dinner (restaurant---still not decided yet) and then off we go to catch the hugh grant-drew barrymore movie. haven't seen him in any movies for a while. ah, sexy british accent, i like! plan might be postponed to thursday, but ah...i don't care. let's cut some lax on this overly exaggerated 'holiday'. everyday's love day. you can share your care and love to anyone. there's no need for chocs or flowers. (1 stalk will do :P)

when the first hour on the 14th started, bunzit gave me a call, wishing me happy valentine's day. told him, neh...i don't celebrate v'day. most important dates are birthday and christmas. those are the true occasions which are worth celebrating and yes, i am always overjoyed!!! talk about how unromantic i can get, yes...i am the 'man'!!!

and yes, another important occasion is coming up: the lovely chinese new year! time to call up all aunts and uncles and wish them good health and much prosperity in the coming year of pig! bah, i am positive that my calling card will take several attempts to finally get through. many people overseas call home on this big day. and yes!!! i am gonna have 2 celebrations--1 with roommie and close pals. the other one will be with the icf gang. time to cook, have a bit of chit chat, and enjoy the spring festival in this cold weather. hopefully, no blizzard.

i am beginning to like 2007 already.

insulated window

my heater's located directly under the window panel. which is right under my bed. that's not just the cause of why my room's really cold despite the high temperature i've set the heater to. i've tried to bait the 'belts' of the window into the boundary of the panel, but to no avail. alas, there's a small gap where all the cold air enters and i end up sleeping with socks and 2 layers of blankets. just right after i cleaned up the house, i realized that i still got some unused towels, courtesy to dear roommie. decided to push em in between the panel and the window and i am enjoying the pleasure of warmer and more conducive bedroom. haha!

dreamed about my ex-classmates in cedar. i've been wondering where christina tan and ling fang went to after secondary school. anybody have any idea where they are? i didn't bother searching on friendster. oh ya, and grace chen too! i know that she went to ntu and she used to have this email with elmoblues in it. anybody wanna help me get her email address? i want to be in touch with her. time does make you nostalgic about school days 5 years ago. but the sad part is that it's pretty hard to meet up with all of em. they're scattered all over indo or singapore and my holidays are relatively short.

anyway, superbowl's on tomorrow! i shall take side on the colts. it's the fight between the midwest teams!

cold cold february

january started out bleak, didn't even have the mood to go to school...and then came the turning point in which i decided to pick myself up and get my gears going. am thankful that i am given smart yet supportive senior lab partners. imagine never taken the pre-requisite class (i took first part of senior lab in london. totally different format compared to the one here) and you are supposed to know everything from the previous class. i was totally clueless. dreaded that 0730 class, but my partners were understanding and there came a point in which i felt terrible. i used to whine about working with a group of people who totally rely on you...and now the person who's doing this is me. now that i got the feel of what senior lab is all about, (the thought of me presenting about the experiment makes me quiver) i shall make more effort! shall not let my teammates down.

good news: this weekend's gonna be a good one. yes, for the fact that last week's the busiest week so far. finally finito all the applications to schools. (am anxious coz i pine my future on this) had my 2 exams, and i finally hit the gym! the cardio blast was intense, but i have committed on attending it once a week. it not only makes me feel good that i start exercising, both roommie and i do hope we shall get back in shape later.

you know, i have this good friend who keeps on whining about everything that shatters in her life, especially her love life. granted, she's 25 and that's a red signal blaring for lotsa single women. the thing is...she wants an instant relationship, one that transitions from friends to boyfriend-girlfriend and then to fiancees (yes, she got engaged once) in a matter of months. but here's another catch, not that i am being judgmental. she's not too attractive physically. and she doesn't learn from her past. over and over again, guys will ditch her after several dates, disappeared without any trace. there are several possibilities to why this happens:

1. she might be too aggresive. guy becomes intimidated and turns around
2. guy just wants somebody for his physical needs. once done, she's dumped
3. maybe guy never really takes any interests in her. from what she told me, these guys were keen in knowing her better. but i guess i can't trust on her words. she tends to twist and turn the stories around.

anyway, not that i am complaining, but my spring break's fate will be based on her well being. i am heading to her place and i just hope that the one week visit will not be therapy sessions in which i will keep repeating the same old advice. it is indeed funny how some people don't change after the same old problems. don't you think this is counter intuitive enough that you know what you should do? some people just sink into the same well over and over again while there are still a thousand miles to go. how are you supposed to move on? i know it's unfair that people should think the way that i think. (being realistic, not in terms of other things) but i just want to ease up their pains. why is it so hard to do?

i shall finish up 1 book. there are 2 others screaming to be read. yes, yes, i won't let you guys turn mouldy. bookworm time :)

procedures to getting mel a gift

neh, didn't mean to post this days before my birthday. but i discovered that people tend to give me things which are not closely associated to me. not that i am a picky gift-taker. neither do i assume that many people know me very well. but i believe that gifts should be things that can be utilized by the person who receives em. i know i may sound unappreciative, but i can bluntly tell you that i would love to use things given my pals that would go a long way. temporary memorable things are definitely welcome. but here are some guidelines in terms of what and why i prefer certain things:

1. i love cards. especially written with sincerity, if possible specifying certain memories we have in the past. i have collected letters and cards since i was ten. though i don't read em often, they would take me back to when i was younger and how certain conflicts which may seem trivial right now were taken seriously. to the times when i felt that friendship was all pure and no dirt. to the times when innocence was still clouding over me and we would tell each other frankly about anything under the sun.

2. soft toys are no no! not that i despise these cuties. it's just that i don't seem to make good use of em. i will be excited the day i receive it, but by day 2, it'll be either lying in dismay on the side of my bed or it will up for display in the living room. yes, i have never been a good soft toy owner. and since i am nomadic, most of the time they will stay behind at the last city i was in. oh gosh, i am really mean!

3. no expensive gifts too! or else i would feel that i owe you something pricey. well, i am not on tight budget all the time. but when i buy something for a person, i would find something that would best define the person. and these things may or may not be pricey. so, a big no to expensive gifts!

4. living on this world for almost 21 years, well-equipped and healthy, is already the greatest gift given by god. i think gifts that come from human beings should be in the form of unconditioned love. you care for your friends. you give em encouragements when they are down. you give em compliments when they succeed. it's not easy being far from home since 10 years ago. but you, pals, you've taught me lessons of life. you've given me listening ears when i am in need. and i think that's the best gift you could ever give for me.

5. still confused? you might be thinking? hmmm...i don't need to give mel anything then. she's already satisfied with everything she has and she may not approve anything that i give to her. well, partially true. except that it will be best to email or call her during these specific special days. :P she loves knowing how you are doing and realizing that you still have not forgotten her.

lastly, the big question: (hahaha, some guys may wonder about this) should i give her flowers? the answer is...it all depends on the situation. if you're giving her a bouquet of 99 roses on v day, (i still have no idea why it has to be 99 stalks) though you might be a special person in my heart, i may not approve it. why? it's too costly. yes, you're giving the florist a huge profit, but these things do not last. and yes, i will be touched on day 1. by the time they start withering, the first thing that will come to my mind will be what should i do with em? i am not going to hang em upside down with tapes. it's a waste of time. they might be off to the bin anytime soon. a stalk of flower as an encouragement, a congratulation note, is definitely welcome. i think most guys think that since i am a tomboy, i would not want to receive even a single flower. answer is no. i still have 40-50% girly elements in me. as long as it comes with sincerity, you have scored the jackpot. (well, i have to admit if the people who give me these are persistent people who try to seek for my attention, i will not be too pleased either)

so the main point is that, please do not feel burdened about finding me anything. a card, followed by a phone call (especially from old old pals whom i haven't kept in touch with for a long time) already make my smile linger for the whole day.

ps: i don't mean to offend anybody here. it's just a personal thought :)

a new year!

my stomach twitches. the past few days have been a whirl. i made a decision in which i still frequently regret. i came back to purdue, having this homesickness surging through me. this holiday has been the most meaningful one of all. i could finally talk to sis heart to heart. every night spent by listening to music, snatching cellphone away from each other, reading, sharing. ah...how i miss her. lil bro is growing up too. i hardly saw him at home, for he was practising for his marching band competition. was blessed that i could see him perform. i was certainly hopeful that his band would reach final before i took off. they were small soldiers, armed with instruments, fearlessly performing what they had practised for the past 3 weeks. but they lost. and i grieved for that. but big bro's right. yongma needs to be taught a lesson of failure. not that he's arrogant, everything just seems to be within his grasp. maybe that's because our economic background has gotten better over the years. he is used to getting what he wants. i just hope that he will not give up on marching band. instead, this should spurt him into having determination to perform better next year.

mom has made a shocking confession too. i finally realized why she can be too controlling at times. she has been an iron lady, and yes, it may be wrong that she throws it all to us kids. but i think there is a certain limit of perserverance that a person can go about. and i applaud mom for staying strong. i am thankful that i have the opportunities to go see places. i sincerely hope that i will be able to put off her burden when i am done with studies later.

aside of that, a friend has shown some interests on me. i didn't know about this until i opened the box that he gave to me. in it, are all the things, practical things, that are remedies to what i have mentioned briefly to him. was flattered that a boy could remember every word that i said. but am not interested in any romance right now. i need to pull myself altogether. the homesickness. the remorse feeling that i have been having from time to time. and i definitely need to focus. it's my last semester after all. i want to finish what i have started off 4 years ago well.

and, on a more cheerful note, may everybody have a good year ahead :)

bb's sick...again!

bb a.k.a dearest car went unconscious again. 2nd time in 2 months! i think i didn't let the engine heat up long enough before starting off. time to call the tow truck company again and visit the dealer. i am getting curious on how to handle bb. i did take good care of it everytime i took it out. yes, i do drive recklessly from time to time, but never do i intentionally brake out of a sudden unless when the traffic light changes color from yellow to red out of the blue. actually, i did have some premonitions about the same incident going on. i noticed that sometimes its sensor beeped though bb wasn't even close to an object. a month ago, a brake could sometimes cause bb to actually accelerate forward a bit. i need to take care of bb from now on! promise b, will at least heat you up for 10 minutes from now on. no more 3rd time on your dead battery. besides, i need to hand you over to davido. i don't want him to panick during the hols.

you know, i used to be so scared that i wouldn't be able to get good pals in che department after i got back from london. i didn't want to start off feeling like a freshman, friendless and lost. however, 4 months have passed and i have found tremendous joy in my fellow classmates. it started when i partnered with meg for my project class. through meg, i got to know almost 3/4 of people in the class, some are funny, some are brainy, some are enjoyable to talk to. i have to say, trying to adapt myself to american culture is much easier than that of uk. maybe that's the difference between a college town and a metropolitan city. people may be selfish in new york too. who knows? :P i think i am planning to go to another small city for my grad school. not that i want to get an easy way out. a big city equals mel wandering around, not studying. not good considering parents pay a huge amount of money to send me here.

anyhow, after years of trying to consistently search for god, i've finally found the happiness of walking together with him. tasks are things that i enjoy doing, no longer things that i complain. when obstacles come, my perserverance motives aren't to stay strong and console myself . instead, to find joy behind those obstacles and walk through them without any burdens on my back. i am able to talk to people that i used to not like without feeling like these people are so despicable. life has become more meaningful and beautiful. well, you guys might think...ah this is just a typical confession of a christian to try to 'recruit' us. well, it is not. when you live in god-centered world, you aren't burdened by worldly materials or people. there's no superficial standard to follow, but his powerful words to heed for. it's so amazing!

time to say goodbye to firos and dita soon. :( having them really helps me get back on my feet. thanks, guys! oh ya...forgot to tell you guys that i will be accompanying dita to drive to orlando, florida early this january. her mom doesn't allow her to drive for 16 hours or so alone. it's gonna be a cool road trip!!! woo hoo!!!

christmas is just around the corner

i am not an extraordinary writer. but i love writing. you just have to sit down, think of what to write, and start typing. i am thinking of making a submission for exponent's end-of-semester literacy issue. hmmm...still not quite sure on what to write, but if i don't have enough time, i will send one of my blog entries which i found to be quite inspiring.

and...christmas is just around the corner!!! i've been humming christmas tunes. am listening to instrumental version of white christmas. loving it! i remember spending christmas somewhere in austria last year. felt pretty empty coz i normally went for our family gathering, and then had some quality time with cousins, not forgetting the solo performance on 1 christmas song. yes, pretty embarrassing, for i do not have such a wonderful voice, but hey...you get to flaunt off your vocal talent only once a year.

aside of that, i shall not look too far ahead to christmas. thanksgiving is just in...let me see...5 days' time! planning to have the traditional american feast, but i think it's still questionable coz leaders' meeting is going to be held on thursday. not many people may turn up since they'll be busy preparing for the meeting. and i don't want to be left with plenty of turkey to be eaten for the rest of the week. the drowsy effect is unpleasant.

shopping? yesss!!! am planning to buy some body splash for sis who's stepping into adulthood and is curious about beauty products. aside of that, time to relax with my 'family' out here. :)